Sunday, January 02, 2005

The Most Important Letter I've Written So Far

May 19, 2002

Baulo,

I’m so afraid. I’m trembling inside, but I want to be strong. I came all the way here knowing I’d get hurt no matter how hard you try to tell me the truth as gently as you can, knowing I’ll go through the same painful experience I’ve been through. I can almost imagine how you’ll say it, very nicely, hoping I’d take it well. I have to be strong, so you won’t think I’m a glass that’s about to break. So you won’t feel like I’m draining all your energy just so I’d feel good. No, I do not wish to do that. I want to be strong, my energy should come from myself and from God.

I feel so weak, but I have to be strong, because I’ll be going home alone. I have to be strong because I’m not supposed to cry. Crying is blackmail, and I don’t want to blackmail you.

I’ve been very stupid. I’ve made mistakes. A lot.

Knowing you was not a mistake. When I caught a glimpse of the ‘you’ months back, I saw someone with a hard shell, but very soft inside. Hard, you can command respect when you want to. Soft, you had so many mixed-up emotions. So many regrets, so many hopes. You were so unsure of yourself, of what you can do, of what you could have done. You were someone who could be so strong, but past experiences had somehow weakened you. Your eyes were always sad, you had that distant look. But once in a while, I hear you laugh so loud, I wonder. Wouldn’t it be great to hear that booming laughter all the time?

When we met, I was at my strongest. I felt I had the world at the palm of my hand, I could do anything I wanted, get anything I wanted. I was so full of love, so full of life, so full of promises. No regrets. Life was perfect, I couldn’t ask for more. I was at the point where I felt I had to share, to spread my love for life, my energy, my strength. You said you wanted to make me laugh, to change for me, to make life better for you, to be my big brother, to provide security and to protect me, to be there for me. I, on the other side, wanted to erase that distant look, to see your sad eyes smile, to hear your booming laughter all the time. I wanted to see you believe in yourself, accept yourself – including all your past mistakes. I wanted to strengthen you, if I could do that. I wanted to touch your life in a very special way, so you’d never forget me.

I want you to know now that, somehow, you were able to do what you wanted to do to me or for me. You made me laugh, you made me feel secure and safe a lot of times. I’m not sure how you did that, maybe it’s the nearness of you. For that, I’ll never forget you.

But just a point to remember, don’t change for me. Or for anyone. It’s for you. I never wanted to force you to do anything. I want only for you to know what you want. I never hoped you’d change for me, I only want you to get what you really want for yourself. Then I could see that your eyes are not sad anymore, your smile’s sincere, and when you laugh, there’s no “I’m not happy, I’m just laughing” afterthought. Looking at you now, I think you’re ready to do good things for yourself. I don’t know if I had a part in that. I’m just glad you’ve learned to protect yourself. That’s really good.

I hope that in my little way, I made you happy, because you really made me one.

I’ve been very stupid. I’ve made mistakes. A lot.

Knowing you was not a mistake. My mistake was forcing you to do things you weren’t ready to do, forcing you to give things you weren’t ready to give. Love grows. It’s not supposed to suffocate us. It’s supposed to grow over time. It needs a history of giving and receiving, crying and laughing. I was in a rush. I think, you would have grown to love me over time, even if you don’t think that now. It was wrong to ask for real love, it’s too early. I myself am not sure at the time if I really loved you. I knew for a fact that you put a dopey smile on my face. I knew I liked your company. I like you, that’s a fact. But stupid, stupid, my demands, ramblings, and mood swings. I think there really was no problem at all, I just invented it. And so it came into existence. Never mind the reasons why I invented that problem, there really are no excuses for screwing good things. You were a good thing. Not perfect, just right. Could have been just perfect for me…

The letter ends here, but the things I want to tell you, want to share with you, will probably never end. Right now, though, I just have to be strong for myself, because I just realized – I don’t have the world at the palm of my hand.


Apam

Posted by xam :: Sunday, January 02, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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