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Shapes and colors make me happy. I like abstract paintings. I like Picasso. I like solid colors - blue, red, yellow, green and orange. Sometimes I like neon. I like geometric lines and shapes. I'm particularly fascinated with squares. Not so much with waves and unclosed curves. I don't like Baroque-inspired designs. I don't like paintings of the Madonna and Child, farmers in the field, flowers in vases, and fruits in baskets. They hurt my eyes.
 Name::xam From::Metro Manila, Philippines i'm a pirate at heart. i'm smart, ruthless and greedy. yesterday i navigated the seas and my comrades died in battle. today i am trapped in davy jones' locker. but tomorrow i will find gold, i will be free and i will roam the seas again. Learn more about Sam
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge That myth is more potent than history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts - That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death." ~Robert Fulghum, It Was On Fire When I Laid Down On It **** You Belong to Me See the pyramids around the Nile Watch the sun rise From the tropic isle Just remember darling All the while You belong to me See the market place In old Algiers Send me photographs and souvenirs Just remember When a dream appears You belong to me And I'll be so alone without you Maybe you'll be lonesome too Fly the ocean In a silver plane See the jungle When it's wet with rain Just remember till You're home again You belong to me Oh I'll be so alone without you Maybe you'll be lonesome too Fly the ocean In a silver plane See the jungle When it's wet with rain Just remember till You're home again You belong to me **** What's Up Twenty - five years and my life is still Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination And I realized quickly when I knew I should That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man For whatever that means And so I cry sometimes When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out What's in my head And I am feeling a little peculiar And so I wake in the morning And I step outside And I take a deep breath and I get real high And I scream at the top of my lungs What's going on? And I say, hey hey hey hey I said hey, what's going on? Ooh, ooh ooh And I try, oh my god do I try I try all the time, in this institution And I pray, oh my god do I pray I pray every single day For a revolution And so I cry sometimes When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out What's in my head And I am feeling a little peculiar And so I wake in the morning And I step outside And I take a deep breath and I get real high And I scream at the top of my lungs What's going on? And I say, hey hey hey hey I said hey, what's going on? Twenty - five years and my life is still Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination
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Best of the Charts Song on the Day of My Birth Labels: chuva  
Tuesday, July 17, 2007Living in a Fantaseryeyesterday and today i successfully made my reality a fantasy. :) i was walking around in a dreamlike state, even asking my friends if what was happening was real, and of course they said it was real. (every time i'm dreaming and i start asking if what was happening was real or not, my conscious mind goes centerstage and i wake up.) yesterday i woke up and decided the day was going to be different. i'm going to do things i always imagined i'd do. or maybe nothing in particular, because if it were, it would be something i've jottted down on my "to do" list, and then it'd be real and not surreal. i don't know how to describe it exactly - how my day started, that is - there wasn't really a conscious effort, because i hadn't planned to have an unconventional day. i just felt i was in a trance when i woke up, like some force took control over my body and made me do things i wanted to do without any clear, unequivocal command from my mind. so i just went about my room and before i was aware of it, i was in full jogging gear. i had a meeting at the up law, but i didn't stop to think if what i was wearing was appropriate. i just got into the revo and drove off. upon arrival at the college, the meeting didn't push through. so i went to the arcade, emptied out all my pockets into the revo, and left my car keys with ate sing. then i started to walk, then brisk walk, then jog, then pant (i haven't done it in a while), then brisk walk, then walk, then jog, then jog, then pant, then jog, then walk, then brisk walk, then jog, then pant, then jog, then pant, then brisk walk --- all the while staring at the pavement around the acad oval, the uneven overlapping of concrete tiles caused by the movement of the earth. yes! the philippine fault line passed right at the sunken garden, the earth must be moving. i just kept on going without thinking anything -- jog, walk, brisk walk, walk, jog, jog, pant, pant, pant, pant, jog, walk, brisk walk. until it was over. i went home. i walked in the dark. i love the dark. then i felt the sole of my right foot sink into a cut piece of glass. i turned on the light. my room was a mess. wind blowed into the window and an empty glass sitting on my desk fell on the floor and broke into pieces. i cursed, but i felt alright. i was in no mood to panic, though i wondered. i cleaned my foot and took a cold shower. in the dark. i love taking showers in the dark. then i went to a poetry reading with a few friends. the place had bright lighting, it was also dim at the same time. everyone seemed to know each other, and the experience seemed to me like some secret, cult-like society. the man who welcomed my best friend, who was going to read poetry that night, took the front stage. he started to talk about instituting a republic of poetry and i imagined he was telling us that they were programmed to receive, that we could checkout any time we like, but we could never leave (courtesy of hotel california by eagles). i wondered at the thought of a republic of poetry - where the president is a dead poet, the cabinet is a book cabinet, and law does not exist. where people speak to everyone else in a trance-like state, double speaking, uttering lyrics in reference to, but not really in reference to, what the other is saying. to speak with a license to alter reality, to twist truth and to speak it. i looked around i saw many empty faces. and like i said yesterday, they laughed on cue, crooned on cue. no one understood each other and everyone understood everyone else. it was intimate, it was impersonal. it was quiet, it was noisy. it was a noisy kind of quiet or a quiet kind of noise. i had nothing more to say, or do, except to pollute the atmosphere with smoke, blowing smoke right at an girl's empty face. then my best friend and i went to the videoke place with the blue light. i thought then how we were slipping into an underground world - my best friend getting a high on poetry, and me getting a high on singing. we sang like red horses, and some gay / bi-sexual men started talking to us, telling us we were more men than they. and yes, we were. my best friend and i are men hiding in women's bodies. it was time to go home until we saw angelica - the street girl with the face of an angel. we talked with her a bit, we always do. then we took her home to allow her to dwell on her innocence and helplessness for 1 day - to live it like she should, to forget her hunger and just enjoy the ride, even for just one day. she ate chicken joy that night. i saw what a fast reader she was. :) a smart kid. she slumped at the carpet like the carpet potatoes that her "temporary moms" were, watching the movie "toys." she was comfortable, and occasionally, she stuck out her hand into my fries to get one. i let her. i prepared her room and thought it would be nice for her to enjoy my colorful, cheerfully printed bedsheets. i wanted her to get the good night's sleep she so deserves to have every night. i tucked her into bed and my best friend and i retired into our own rooms. i woke up 5:30 am this morning with a bad stomach. i took some medicine. i was a mother this morning and i though a bad stomach shouldn't get in the way with what i had to do. i peeped into angelica's "room" (we have an extra room in the house), and she looked so peaceful. she looked like an angel. :) i cleaned up the apartment - my room, the sala, the kitchen. i cooked a good breakfast, got a natural high smelling the crisp smell of fried eggs, and went back to my room. before my best friend left, i woke up angelica. she was so surprised that time flew so fast while she was sleeping. i just laughed. later she watched "barbie" (good thing i have that on dvd). she wanted to live with us, permanently. i told her we couldn't do that. i wanted to keep her, but i can't because she isn't a doll. i reminded myself that. i went to my meeting at the up law, and she tugged along, occasionally holding my hand, occasionally wrapping her arms around my waist.:) people gave me strange looks but i ignored them. some people actually asked, sometimes i answered she's my friend, sometimes i answered she's my elf. :) i jogged again today. i told angelica to just stay put for a while, and then i started to jog. i was thinking about running to the tune of "be quiet and drive" but it was so slow. i would if i could, float in the air, that is, but i couldn't. it was about to rain, so today i ran. i ran, jog, panted, brisk walked. i didn't walk. angelica was waiting for me, i didn't want the rain to pour, she'd be very worried about me getting wet in the rain. when i was done, i saw her waving her hands excitedly at me from afar, cheering on me. she wanted to run to me, she was so happy to see me. i told her to stay put, and i walked to her. she held my hand and i took her home. angelica, my little angel. :) then i went to the up law library to take a small dose of reality (get my readings). the third floor was full of people - people with their heads buried in books. i entered and their heads turned up and they at looked me like i came from another planet. i just walked by, in my full jogging gear, my rubbershoes squeaking occasionally. i wanted to tell them i'm not a real person, that they're just imagining what they're seeing, and to just keep on doing what they were doing. i knew i was a pain in their eyes. then i went home, took a nap, and now i wonder. am i back in the real world? i want to dwell a little longer in this fantasy world i weaved for myself - a world where i'm a mother, or i have an elf, or i'm a hallucination, or a man, or an empty face with a poetic license, or a jogger in a trance. :) and it's not so hard after all. to live in a fantaserye. i felt more alive than ever. i'm actually a real, live human being! my mind, my body, my heart and my soul - they're all actually working. Labels: fantasizing
Legend: A: you like to drink. B: you like people. C: you are really silly. D: one in a million. E: great in bed. F: you are dead sexy. G: you never let people tell you what to do. H: you have a very good personality, looks and a very good kisser. I: great in bed. J: people adore u. K: you're wild and crazy. L: unbelievably great in bed. M: great in bed. N: you like to drink a LOT. O: awesome kisser. P: you are popular with all types of people. Q: you are hypocrite. R: fuckin crazy. (in a fun way) S: easy to fall in love with. T: you're loyal to those you love. U: you are really silly. V: you are not judgmental. W: you are very broad minded. X: you never let people tell you what to do. Y: best boy/girl friend any one can ask for. Z: always ready XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX What my surname says about me: A: you like to drink N: you like to drink a LOT. G: you never let people tell you what to do. K: you're wild and crazy. A: you like to drink Y: best boy/girl friend any one can ask for. A: you like to drink K: you're wild and crazy. U: you are really silly. H: you have a very good personality, looks and a very good kisser. U: you are really silly. T: you're loyal to those you love. A: you like to drink N: you like to drink a LOT.
Monday, July 16, 2007casual. (by enuh iglesias)the way i hold a cigarette between my fingers, thoughtlessness taking slow, deliberate drags, exhaling the smoke flicking at the ash with the tip of an index finger, not looking at you not looking at you in particular the way we have these conversations without actually saying anything, languidly watching from the foot of the bed, i turn and feel the urgency slide off and rise ever so slowly the way i seem to sit comfortable among tidy conversations or raging debates neither here nor there expectant but noncommital no grace or skill just going against realtime mode no predisposition to anyone or anything just a brief once over then.. ******************** wala lang. ang ganda eh.... :)
Friday, July 13, 2007graveyard ganyan kasaya ang desperate housemates! hahaha
If you knew me, You'd line up all my crayons and colored pencils to match the rainbow; You'd sing to me when I am sad, or just sit with me in the beach, and we'd bury our feet in the sand. You'd watch the sunset with me, and wait for the stars to pop out one by one. If you knew me, You'd light a candle on the eve of my birthday and just let it melt on, not blow it out; You'd plant a tree in my name, one that will grow big and strong; so kids will have a tree to climb when I'm old; You'd smile whenever you remember me, for all the little things, we barely notice, that seem silly and quickly passing. If you knew me, You'd look into my eyes, and as I look into yours, you'll know that I see, how beautiful you really are; You'd find it funny how I've searched for big words to name very simple things, and we can laugh together. You'd share that warm blanket with me, when the night is just too cold. If you knew me, You'd know that I never wanted to change you, that I don't want anything else but for you to be yourself; You'd see it only takes sincerity and gentleness to mend my heart; You'd know that when love is born in me, it never really dies... ~Sarah Cabrera P.S.: Danda-danda naman ng tula ni Sarah. Tungkol sa sarili niya pero inaangkin ko. hehehe! Love you Sarah! Mwah! Labels: quote
Q: Kissed someone on your Friendster® list? A: yes Q: Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? A: yes Q: Been arrested? A: no Q: Kissed someone you didn't like? A: yes Q: Slept in until 5 PM? A: yes Q: Held a snake? A: yes (a dead one, ginawa pa naming jumping rope hahaha!) Q: Been suspended from school? A: no Q: Sang karaoke? A: yes Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? A: yes (lots of times) Q: Laughed until you started crying? A: yes Q: Kissed in the rain? A: yes Q: Sang in the shower? A: always Q: Sat on a roof top? A: yes Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? A: yes (if you count a lagoon as a pool! hahaha) Q: Broken a bone? A: no Q: Shaved your head? A: no Q: Played a prank on someone? A: yes Q: Felt like killing someone? A: yes Q: Cried over someone you loved? A: yes Q: Shot a gun? A: no Q: Donated Blood? A: no Q: Still love someone you shouldn't? A: yes . L A S T S . 1. What did your last text message say? >"Sent na napo. Sori tgal ko, wengwang po sa emo stuff.Hope u4giv me sis. Mwah!" 2. Person you hung out with? >enuh 3. Rode in a car with? >enuh & celts 4. Went to the movies with? >ibn 5. Went to the mall with? >alone 6. You talked on the phone with? >enuh 7. Made you laugh? >radio! the pedicurista story will be remembered for a while. hahaha! 8. Last person who told you they loved you? >uh, ibn? . W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R. 1. pierce your nose or tongue? >nose 2. Be serious or be funny? >funny 3. Drink whole or skim milk? >skim 4. Die in a fire or get shot? >get shot 5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? >parents . A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y. 1. Do you love anyone? >yes 2. Sun or moon? >moon 3. Winter or Autumn? >winter 4. left or right? >right 5. 10 acquaintances or two best friends? >2 bestfriends 6. Sunny or rainy? >rainy . A B O U T . Y O U 1. Age: >25 2. First name? >salma 3. Where do you live? >up bliss 4. How many kids do you WANT? >2-4 hahaha 5. Do you want to get married? >yes 6. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? >both 7. Have you ever eaten spam? >no 8. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? >one, pero dami namang stock! 10. Do you cook? >yes 11. Current mood? >hopeless I N . T H E . L A S T . 48 H O U R S . H A V E . Y O U. 1. Kissed some one? >no 2. Been hugged? >no 3. Felt stupid? >yes 4. Missed someone? >yes 5. Danced Crazy? >yes 6. Gotten your hair cut? >yes!! i cut my bangs!! 7. Cried? >yes, last night! . S T U F F . 1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? >no 2. Do you have a dog? >no 3. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? >depends 4. Do you believe in ghosts? >yes 5. Do you consider yourself creative? >yes! Labels: quiz
Thursday, July 12, 2007Dayang-Dayang:) i heard the song dayang-dayang on the radio, and it just made me smile. dayang-dayang is an indonesian song (i think) that made it to the top hits in the philippines around the late 90's. it became a popular dance song ... i was really annoyed that time, i felt they bastardized the song! see, back in highschool (just BEFORE the song and the likes of it became a hit) i danced the pangalay, the tausug wedding dance. pangalay is usually danced to the tune of dayang-dayang (and alike genre). daddy was really excited about it. he got a copy of indonesian songs and for several nights our house back in saudi was filled with beats like this as we selected which song i'd dance. :) daddy danced the woman's part just to teach me, funny! he was dancing in his long johns!! hahahaha! he also works a materials engineer in a laboratory, so he thought that instead of using the usual fake looooooooong fingernails made of foil, he'd craft really good looking ones in his laboratory. just before the day i was going to dance in public, he brought home the most beautiful faux gold long fingernails :) (i soooooo wish i kept those, one by one i lost them! huhuhuhu). my mom, on the other hand, was in charge of finding the best fabric so i would have the perfect tausug costume. and it was. :) the day i danced, my mom gave me a beautiful pearl necklace which we placed on top of my head. :) the biggest trick in the dance was to look as taray as possible, as in bawal mag-smile. that wasn't so hard. i'm good at that. and like daddy said, my hands should be stretched out to the maximum so that my fingers curled upwards. i remember just how he demonstrated it to me. :) when i danced, everyone else blacked out. it was just me, my costume, the music and the lights. it was almost as though i fell in a trance. i got off-track a bit when someone came up the stage and placed money in my clothes. and then another. i was as poker-faced as i could be, even if i so wanted to see just how much they put. see, that's how pangalay is, you dance and people put bills in your clothes. (no, it's NOT like an exotic dance, and it's NEITHER degrading, that's just how tradition works). i earned SR250 that night(conversion to peso is around P1,500!!). so there. i always believed i'd never be able to do that again. THEN i met ibn, a tausug. one day he told me how his mom was really good at this dance. that was it, i fantasized then if we'd get married his mom would dance for us, that knowing she's good is enough reason for me to just ... hands down! when i heard dayang-dayang just now, i felt like dancing to it again. hmmmmm.... ok, i think i want to do it again. but this time not just for cultural purposes. i want to do it again, when ibn and i get married (fingers crossed) and maybe i'll ask ibn's mom to teach me. i imagine we'd be able to bond and break down any "in-law barriers" if any, over that. :) but this time, when i dance that song, hmmmm.... i think i might get ibn to dance the man's part (again, fingers crossed, hehehe). he was, after all, quite keen on the cotillion dance last march. :) **** dayang-dayang, dayang-dayang, dayang-dayang **** (my darling!) :D
Wednesday, July 11, 2007being vain she bothers me. her friendster profile is "indang xalmah". she's from malaysia. she bothers me because i always thought that i'm the only "salma" who decided to spell my name "xalmah". (i mean, enuh, how would you feel if you found there's another enuh in the world who spells her "anna" as "enuh"?). as to the "indang" well, in tausug tradition, "indah" is the nickname given to the youngest girl in the family. hmmmmm... i should be "indah xalmah" and she's "indang xalmah"... oh well.. the world is big. it's just doesn't feel good losing your individuality (a bit) by finding out someone else is just like you. like salma hayek, for instance. oh well..
This is a poem i wrote last February, and it's about the much-dreaded cotillion dance (part of the initiation process of every Portian) every ball. I dreaded the cotillion, it being soooooo highschool-ish! But they say it's a proud tradition of Portia, since God knows when! So I had to go through it. I was worried Ibn would hate the cotillion, but noooooo. Ibn was really serious about it, reprimanding me for all those times I forgot cotillion practices, and ridiculing me for not remembering the steps. He wanted us to practice just about anywhere --- in my room, in the sala, in our house in Paranaque, at the arcade parking lot, in a videoke place... But I blame Kevin, our blockmate / dance instructor (Portia calls him Kevin Cotillion, hehehe). Instead of the usual one -- two -- three, it was a onetwothree!! It was just so fast! It wasn't like the usual waltz but a really fast one. And he had this really difficult step, the "natural turn" and it was sooooo hard! You'll go around in circles repetitively along with other couples going around in circles. It's a lot like being earth - you rotate and you revolve. It was soo hard, but it was, I have to admit, also nice. We danced to "She's Always A Woman To Me." Well here's the poem! A Natural Turn of Events i count one, two-three one, two-three the waltz, spinning. the world around me crumbles, oblivious no time, no music, no one. you, me, our feet our arms around each other. twirling and i dance like a clown 1 - 2 - 3 - 1- but I'm always a Woman 2 - 3 - 1-2-3 -- 1-2-3 to You 1-2-3 one, two-three one, two-three bow/curtsy. 1-2-3 Labels: poem
Monday, July 09, 2007On RegretSometimes regret can spawn many other feelings. We regret something we've done in the past, say, a major decision or turning point in our lives, so we flush out all the events resulting from these out of our memories and then try to find something else better to plug in. We imagine alternative scenarios to those painful memories. What other options were available at the time? And of course there are options. There are always options! So now we backtrack and then start romanticizing options not taken. We play around with our memories, redefining it -- omitting parts we have conveniently forgotten, replaying parts we conveniently want to remember, maybe even adding a few parts as we deem convenient. We do this, repetitively, until we have formed in our minds a picture that never really existed in the past. What we don't realize is that sometimes, the option not taken could have been worse, that we might have known it to a certain extent back then, or maybe not, but it still could have been worse. So we fail to give ourselves credit for making the decision we made, thinking we might have been just younger, more naive, or more vulnerable, to make mistakes. The fact remains that we made decisions at that time in the past given the circumstances and knowing the alternative courses of action. We couldn't have known that the decision we were making was wrong. And we would also never really know that the decision not made would have been right. That's the problem with regret. We fall into a whirlwind of memories and end up worse off. What's funny is that the more things have gone wrong, the more prominent your mistakes are, the more they haunt you to the present day, the more we fall prey to regret and to restructing our memories. The key is not to regret. We did what we had to do, and didn't do what we felt we didn't have to do. Sometimes I even tell myself, whatever happens is for the best, otherwise it could have caused my death. I am, therefore, in a constant state of being lucky to be alive. That's it. End of story. Labels: pondering
Sunday, July 08, 2007re-posting my best friend's post :)enuh!!! i hope it's ok kung i-repost ko... anyway di naman to mababasa ng romanticized other mo. hehehehe. :) ****** bonding time between best friends, may kasamang videoke pa!=) anyway, we've both had an interesting week, and surprisingly affected or unaffacted in different ways by parallel events. since i can't exactly talk about what she's going through, i'll stick to my particular case, and she said something surprising but true, but which answered my question. see, i'd expected far worse, something times ten of my occasional lows, and surprisingly not only are things fine on my end, i don't feel anything when i thought i should. i actually said to her, "there's this song that i'm thinking about, and the first line goes, 'she doesn't have a heart.' and i'm wondering if don't have one, because if i had one, i shouldn't feel this way at all. i honestly don't know why i don't feel bad at all." and this is what she said: "you romanticized it, perhaps from the beginning even, and i guess you finally realized it and you have no regrets." and with that rare flash of insight i sometimes have, i realize she's right on the money. she's seen me through heartbreak before, and for the life of me, i can't figure out why i'm actually feeling fine. so we talked some more, and i realized that despite what i thought i felt and how i expressed it, i see things more clearly. see, i couldn't have expressed anything with much sincerity because i actually didn't know the person and likewise the person didn't know me at all. and receiving a hallmark-like response made it all so much clearer and simpler. the whole thing on my end, which lasted for quite some time, was based on an idealized other. (idealized not in the sense as an ideal or as someone perfect, but as someone within the confines of a particular logic based on what i know of him and what i see him to be) and on my end, i know i wasn't exactly being myself out of fear of being misunderstood - none of my pecularities, not enough confidence to really be myself, past and present and future. i only wanted known a part of myself, but not the rest of me. would that have changed things, i think not, but at least i'd have had the certainty that i was being truly myself all of the time and not just acting out some part i thought i'd fit better. although, i do genuinely appreciate the fact that my horizons were opened to new experiences and that meeting him fueled at least that sense of romanticism in me, albeit misplaced. another good thing to come out of it is that i'm writing about it. at least to some extent i'm trying to blur the distinctions i draw between my different personas. (haha, i sound so schizo here!) so i guess this would be my sole regret out of the whole crazy experience: i wish that the expression of how i truly felt was not so much in form, but in substance. that i had some basis by actually knowing the person and knowing myself in the process. but this isn't without rectification. it can still happen outside of what has transpired, outside of an idealized set-up, and in a more natural and normalized setting minus unrealistic expectations, like friendship, for instance. then it would have made sense to say that i felt more alive :) *****
We've imagined our worlds to be flat, or round, or linear. We've imagined crossroads and turning points. We've imagined the roads not travelled. We've imagined life as it is and life as it could be. Sometimes we imagine that our lives are just the way we want them to be, clinging to our belief systems with an absolute certainty it becomes an absurdity to imagine otherwise possible scenarios. When we consider only the decisions that we've made and the beliefs that we've continued to uphold, we easily convince ourselves that life does unfold the way we planned it to, or the way some divine force intended it to. When we imagine our worlds to be just the way they should be, flat and linear, forking occasionally in only two possibilities at a time, holding on resolutely to the belief that destiny exists, or to clothe it as faith, hope or even love, then we set ourselves up for the possibility of falling into tiny cracks in that flat world --- cracks we never even knew, or never even recognized, existed. On the other hand, sometimes we imagine that our lives are coming apart -- that maybe there's nothing more to our lives than just episodes after the other, with no meaningful pattern or correlation. When we view life as not linear but only turning points after the other, forking in a limitless number of possibilities with occasional loops to previous turning points, we then realize that life is not only as we make it, we are also as life makes us. While we can plan the way we want our lives to unfold, other planned lives around us unfold too, and we are out there, quite helplessly, to become affected by these other lives. I, for one, do not believe in destiny. Nor in karma. Coincidences exist as a matter of fact, a matter of statistics. If there is a one in a million chance of a certain event happening, then there is a chance of that event happening, independent of destiny or karma. The only limitation could be time. Certain events never happen, because things past have passed to become unchangeable givens --- the invariables. But certain events do happen, because future decisions --- the variables --- can affect invariables. It is, in this sense, that life is still a choice. We can plug whichever it is we wish in the variables to create different kind of combinations with the invariables and come up with different results. But then, life is not only about what has happened or will happen to us - whether we choose it or not. We do not travel just one forky road, we do not remember only the people we have passed and the things we have experienced in that one forky road. Through our imagination and dreams, embedded in our memories with the same, if not more, intensity and depth, is the inexhaustible curiosity and craving for all the roads we never travelled - whether we chose not to or otherwise. These dreams remain dreams either because we choose to keep them that way, or because our choices have become limited by the invariables. Or, we can breathe life into those dreams by believing that the world isn't flat, that events aren't always linear, that we can backtrack as far as possible to take the road not travelled, and that holes and cracks can and do exist in our worlds. We owe it to ourselves (and to the roads not taken, to the people never met, and to the things never experienced) to believe that the world is in a perpetual state of falling apart - chaos, anarchy, entropy - whatever you call it, if you believe it, you won't be right up there ready to fall into the tiny cracks of your imagined realities. Reality is Fantasy, and Fantasy is Reality. Make no distinction. Life certainly doesn't.
Saturday, July 07, 2007Being DesperateSome of my favorite lines in my favorite TV series, Desperate Housewives and Sex and The City. Interesting. I'm not even sure if I'm a Desperate Housewife type or a Sex and The City type. My guess is I'm a Desperate Housewife type. I'm always lonely, I ponder a lot over lost hopes and aspirations, and occasionally, I scheme. ******************* DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Mary Alice: Yes, each new day … brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves right before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy, or that he's happy. That we can change, or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins, or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning - it will all be true. Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them. Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned. It's not enough to want to the truth. You must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive, because it knows where to hide. It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose. Yes, sooner or later we must all grow up. No-one knows this better than the young. Lynette And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so.” Gabrielle: The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened. Bree: This is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer. Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with. Carlos: Deals are meant to be renegotiated. ************* SEX AND THE CITY Carrie: Samantha has a particular knack for turning a desperate situation into a hopeless one. Let's be honest. Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you -- the baby shower. Our affair, like our hotels, had gone from elegant with crystal to seedy with plastic cups. Samantha: Normal is the halfway point between what you want and what you can get.
Thursday, July 05, 2007Songs in My HeadThere are songs playing in my head right now, songs i always liked. :) Dear Paul (Barbie Almabis) Dear Paul oh my old friend I always liked you but you always liked to go I loved you from the classroom window But you were busy making girls like me miserable Chasing the high school girls Dear Paul I was changed My very first addiction was named after you And I stared and I shed some tears Then started writing songs to comfort me while I wait But like some things you never came Dont you know eleven years is a long time To freeze a heart eleven years is long enough To make a girl insane Dear Paul would you stay far And be the bicycle that I never had And Ive tried different kinds of ice cream And some made my throat sore But you were only bliss So ill visit you in dream Dont you know eleven years is a long time To freeze a heart eleven years is long enough To make a girl insane You make a girl insane Paul You make a girl insane Paano Sasabihin (Join the Club) Ilang saglit sa isipan, biglang wala ka na Ang panaginip ay hindi pala tunay At pano maitatangi, hinahanap pala Sana’y madama muli ang sandali [Chorus] Paano sasabihin sa iyo Ililihim ko pa ba Paano kung mayroon ka ng iba Malilihim ko pa ba Nilalayo ang isipan, ayaw ng balikan At bakit ba kay kulit, hindi naman maiwan Ilang saglit sa isipan at parang kay tagal Sana’y madama muli ang sandali [repeat Chorus] [repeat Chorus] Paano sasabihin Neighborhood(Vonda Shepard) Here's a photo I've been looking for It's a picture of the boy next door And I loved him more than words can say Never knew it 'til he moved away Faded pictures in my scrapbook Just thought I'd take one more look And recall when we were all In the neighborhood Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Here's a photo of the neighborhood Here's the corner where we stood Here's a snapshot of Dad's old car Never got us very far Faded pictures in my scrapbook Just thought I'd take one more look And recall when we were all In the neighborhood And all those friends Where did they go, I don't know All those friends we used to know In the neighborhood Tell Him (Vonda Shepard) I know somethin' about love You've gotta want it bad If that guy's got into your blood Go out and get him If you want him to be the very part of you That makes you want to breathe Here's the thing to do Tell him that you're never gonna leave him Tell him that you're always gonna love him Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now I know somethin' about love You gotta show it and make him See that moon up above Reach out and get it If you want him to Make your heart sing out And if you want him to Only think of you Tell him that you're never gonna leave him Tell him that you're always gonna love him Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now Ever since the world began it's been that way For man and woman were created To make love their destiny Then why should true love be so complicated? Oh... I know something about love You gotta take it and Show him what the world is made of One kiss will prove it If you want him to be Always by your side Take his hand tonight Swallow your foolish pride, and Tell him that you're never gonna leave him Tell him that you're always gonna love him Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now Tell him that you're never gonna leave him Tell him that you're always gonna love him Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now
Wednesday, July 04, 2007on writingi always make up phrases in my head. i like ironies. sometimes i'm almost convinced i'm funny - when i think about the jokes i whip up in my head. sometimes i write poetry in my head. most of the time though, these thoughts stay in my head, and i forget them when the moment passes. years ago, when i was in college, i used to take joyrides in the up ikot jeepney. just one round and i'm okay for the day. i recall i walked around a bit first - watching how the acacia trees around the sunken garden are intertwined, but never overlapping. i'd watch couples and imagine i can hear them talking, filling in the inaudible lines to entertain myself. back then i never smoked while walking. so once in a while i'd stop and sit under a tree and take a puff. then i'd walk over to the nearest shed and take the jeep. that's when i saw even more. after going back to the dorm, i'd lie in bed, listen to "chorus girl" and later in the night, tap away in my pc while my roommates slept. i stopped writing since then, and i started again when i was in cagayan de oro two years ago. whether it's an addiction or a need, or maybe both, i just couldn't stop writing then. sometimes i wrote for the sake of writing, not really saying anything. there in cagayan de oro, in the middle of a coffee shop while listening to live music, or at a nearby internet cafe, until the wee hours of the morning i wrote my heart out -- everyday i tried to write what i wanted to say, but each time it was never enough. when i returned to manila, i stopped again. i've already decided that i write only when there is nothing else to do. that it's really only a reaction to the absence of a sounding bag. that maybe it really isn't a necessary part of me. so for several months i buried myself in law books and cases, while i continued to make up phrases in my head - usually in the form of a Murphy's Law kind of joke. but here i am again. i'm writing even if i'm not really saying anything. i'm writing about writing. i look around and suddenly, everything feels poetic. maybe i'm influened by enuh's romanticization of everything and anything. maybe it's my new schedule - long weekdays :) or maybe.. i am writing because once more, i need to.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007hehehe
Monday, July 02, 2007swit swat"How do these things just spew out of your head like this? Couldn't you at least use your brain as a filter? That remark would hurt if I had feelings." - Richard Fish in Ally Mc Beal once in a while, i need a swat in the head. i grew up with a lot of that much-needed swatting. much-needed, because absent it, i would have forgotten as early as age 8 that i walked on ground. "Nelle, remember how you hate people talking about you behind your back?" "Yes." to create the positive effect though, the swat must come from the right person - someone with no hidden agenda but only to swat me in the head, someone i'd never doubt or else i'd only take the comment as an effort to make me feel bad. the words must be crafted in a way that, at the least, seems to tell the truth - one that is undeniably true but unrecognized (or denied) by me. no labels, no loaded words, no singular adjectives that could potentially traumatize me. just a few phrases, expounding what it is that needs to be said. "You've got to remember John. You're not who you are, you're only what other people think of you. Fishism." i hold those who can swat me in high esteem. for being able to yank me (a person who's always been known to be of the strong kind) off the cloud i'm walking on and make me see things straight. for being confident enough in our relationship, for knowing with certainty that swatting me won't be a reason for our fall-out. or for caring enough about me so that a potential momentary spite or even a permanent absence will be graciously taken. "Why am I telling you this?" well, i just had an effective little swat. not so hard, but enough to keep me off-balance. it was a line that had been used on me before, re-used in a way that wasn't even intended to swat me, but only to remind me that i was swatted with it many years ago, and even to apologize for it. i actually have no recollection of that particular instance in the past, but i do remember how it felt. so i am convinced, that yes, it was said to me before. "The world will go on even without you." and the effect produced is still the same. it's almost like stumbling on a stone, and falling flat on my face. my instinctive reaction would almost always be to scowl at the stone, pick it up, and throw it out to the mud. but i know i can't blame the stone. after all, i sometimes i get busy enjoying the scenery, i fail to look where i'm going. so instead, i'll just pick it up, brush away the dirt, and place it in my pocket. i'll keep the stone and decide it's a lucky charm. sometimes i keep stones inside my pencilcase or my drawer. once I even kept one in my shoe, and it hurt walking around with it, but it was a pleasant reminder for all those times I forget. "By not going down the road, it remains the road ahead which excites me. It even brings me joy." it is like that then, and it is like that now. and like before, i hold my swatter in high esteem. "Bygones." (i remember the ally mcbeal episode 23 in season 1, titled "these were the days" wherein john cage's cousin, a harmless but eccentric man with a "cupid complex" was brought up on assault charges for swatting couples in the head with a paddle to goose them into realizing they're in love. hahahaha... i wonder.) Labels: pondering, reminiscing
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