Shapes and colors make me happy.
I like abstract paintings. I like Picasso. I like solid colors - blue, red, yellow, green and orange. Sometimes I like neon. I like geometric lines and shapes. I'm particularly fascinated with squares. Not so much with waves and unclosed curves. I don't like Baroque-inspired designs. I don't like paintings of the Madonna and Child, farmers in the field, flowers in vases, and fruits in baskets. They hurt my eyes.
I.AM.SAM
Name::xam From::Metro Manila, Philippines
i'm a pirate at heart. i'm smart, ruthless and greedy. yesterday i navigated the seas and my comrades died in battle. today i am trapped in davy jones' locker. but tomorrow i will find gold, i will be free and i will roam the seas again. Learn more about Sam
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts -
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death."
~Robert Fulghum, It Was On Fire When I Laid Down On It
****
You Belong to Me
See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me
See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me
And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me
Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me
****
What's Up
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
She grew up with the children of the stars In the hollywood hills and the boulevard Her parents threw big parties Everyone was there They hung out with folks like Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and CherNow, she feels safe In this bare on fairfax And from the stage I can tell that She can't let go and she can't relax And just before she hangs her head to cryI sing to her a lullaby, I sing Everything's gonna be all rightrockabye, rockabye Everything's gonna be all rightrockabye, rockabye, rockabye She still lives with her mom outside the city Down that street about a half a mile And all her friends tell her, she's so pretty But she'd be a whole lot prettier If she smiled once in a while 'cause even her smile looks like a frown She's seen her share of devils In this angel town But, everything's gonna be all rightrockabye, rockabye Everything's gonna be all right rockabye, rockabye, rockabye I told her I ain't so sure about this place It's hard to play a gig in this town And keep a straight face Seems like everybody's got a plan It's kind of like Nashville with a tan, but Everything's gonna be all right rockabye, rockabye Everything's gonna be all rightrockabye, rockabye Everything's gonna be all rightrockabye, rockabye Everything's gonna be all rightrockabye, rockabye rockabyebye, byebye, bye *Finally! The lyrics i so love. This is my mantra.
Posted by xam ::
Friday, January 07, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
it's been 72 hrs + 12 and i've formulated a theory on why i've been down these days. i had a great vacation (December 2004), and i have some RESOLUTIONS ecklat. and now i'm back to reality, all the things i'm trying to change are affecting me. now i'm using a bit more muscles to make things right. to put an end to all the things i hated last year. and when things aren't working out (there are things i hate that just won't go away, they're beyond my control after all), i just want to tear off the page and start anew. i'm being vague. it's that simple. either that or i will myself to unhate these things.
strong will...
it's easier to just walk away.
walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk
that easy.
bye bye, see you in 72 hrs + 1.2 M more.
Posted by xam ::
Friday, January 07, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
This isn't a countdown
of the latest billboard hits.
This is ---
MY KILL WILL TESTAMENT*
1. Little Saint
2. Valley Girl
3. Cotton Swabs
4. Liar's Asset
5. Primadora
6. Our Lady Of
7. Bottomless Pit
8. Sugar & Spice
9. Dirty Old
10. My Bonnie
This is my blog.
This is my testament.
Ready, aim,
Annihilate.
Last to live #1.
Liberate me,
please.
*To protect myself from being eliminated prior to the persons in the hit list, all names are hidden behind their aliases (which i personally chose).
Posted by xam ::
Friday, January 07, 2005 ::
1 Comments:
these days i am consumed by angst.
the happiest thoughts
cannot put a real smile
on my face.
these days i can relate
once more
to shawn mullins' lullaby:
"...she'd be a whole lot prettier
if she smiled once in a while,
but even her smile
looks like a frown..."
the slightest comment
can really irk me
(then i'd start to imagine
how i want to lash at the person
or how i just want
to leave and never come back).
people i've liked
for months
are starting to get to my nerves.
i feel distant (aloof).
i cannot "jive".
i don't want to "connect".
well. as shawn mullins sang too:
"...EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT..."
i want to make a grand exit.
yes,
already.
Posted by xam ::
Thursday, January 06, 2005 ::
1 Comments:
im not up to it but im doin it
just not in the mood almost always these days
time for a change again?
Posted by xam ::
Wednesday, January 05, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
just so glad that i could blog at work!! bwahahahahahah!!!
to get into friendster, i have to log into www.guardster.com first (this is really good especially if you want to surf anonymously and there's a firewall, know what i mean? ;p).
anyway, im just glad. it's the first day of work for the calendar year 2005. (note: URC fiscal year begins in october, so i'm quite used to writing the number two-zero-zero-five by now. :) )
which reminds me of the tv program i watched last night. there's this girl complaining about her officemate who hasn't been "productive" at work since she got engaged. apparently, all she did was doodle (e.g. mrs. celia de guzman, mrs. leodegario de guzman, mrs. celia peñaflor de guzman, ms celia peñaflor - de guzman or worse --- ms. celia peñaflor HYPHEN de guzman.) the spell-out of H-Y-P-H-E-N really got me.. hehehehehe ;P
anyway, back to the "new year". what else is done on a new year?
YES... VERY CLEARLY. R-E-S-O-L-U-T-I-O-N.
i stopped doing this maybe ten years already. but somehow this year there's just a good old-fashioned need for this in my life. everything's just a mess. i'm a mess! my finances are so down (i'm not saving anything despite my working my ass off 8:00 - 6:30 pm every Mondays to Fridays EXCLUDING overtime and weekend work!! anyway this explains why i'm bloggin' at work!!!). my tummy's saggin' man!!!! need to do something about this coz i keep outgrowing my clothes every two months.... darn can you imagine a whopping 14-15 kg in two years?!?? SHIT. my skin.... i have to do something about my skin. i'm agein' at 23!! what i need right now is a RESOLUTION. a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION just so there's a timeline to it, yer know?
anyway,
by RESOLUTION, does this mean i need to do something with strong resolve? or that i need to resolve an existing glitch? whichever (or are the two scenarios really just the same after all?), here are my new year's resolutions:
(1) DAMMIT DIET (2) DAMMIT EXERCISE (3) DAMMIT DRINK WATER NOT COKE NOT C2 NOT ICED TEA NOT COFFEE NOT GODDAMN BEER!! (4) DAMMIT STOP LUNCHING OUT IF YOU CAN HELP IT (5) MINIMIZE THE NIGHTLIFE (6) SLEEP EARLY WAKE UP EARLY (7) SPEND MORE TIME PREPARING IN THE MORNING FOR VANITY! (8) SPEND MORE MONEY FOR VANITY, BUT LESS, LESS, LESS ON GIMMICKS (9) SPEND MORE TIME REFLECTING (10) DO NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. DO NOT LET THE ROSARIO AND C5 TRAFFIC AFFECT YOUR DAY! (11) SAVE MONEY (12) FIND RACKETS (13) DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR WANTING TO TEACH AT UP (14) CONTINUE TO SEEK KNOWLEDGE (15) TAKE A LEAP INTO THE FUTURE!
there, i've said it. now if i could only find a control measure for this.....
hopin hoppin xam poppin
Myself, contemplating...
Posted by xam ::
Tuesday, January 04, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
I’m so afraid. I’m trembling inside, but I want to be strong. I came all the way here knowing I’d get hurt no matter how hard you try to tell me the truth as gently as you can, knowing I’ll go through the same painful experience I’ve been through. I can almost imagine how you’ll say it, very nicely, hoping I’d take it well. I have to be strong, so you won’t think I’m a glass that’s about to break. So you won’t feel like I’m draining all your energy just so I’d feel good. No, I do not wish to do that. I want to be strong, my energy should come from myself and from God.
I feel so weak, but I have to be strong, because I’ll be going home alone. I have to be strong because I’m not supposed to cry. Crying is blackmail, and I don’t want to blackmail you.
I’ve been very stupid. I’ve made mistakes. A lot.
Knowing you was not a mistake. When I caught a glimpse of the ‘you’ months back, I saw someone with a hard shell, but very soft inside. Hard, you can command respect when you want to. Soft, you had so many mixed-up emotions. So many regrets, so many hopes. You were so unsure of yourself, of what you can do, of what you could have done. You were someone who could be so strong, but past experiences had somehow weakened you. Your eyes were always sad, you had that distant look. But once in a while, I hear you laugh so loud, I wonder. Wouldn’t it be great to hear that booming laughter all the time?
When we met, I was at my strongest. I felt I had the world at the palm of my hand, I could do anything I wanted, get anything I wanted. I was so full of love, so full of life, so full of promises. No regrets. Life was perfect, I couldn’t ask for more. I was at the point where I felt I had to share, to spread my love for life, my energy, my strength. You said you wanted to make me laugh, to change for me, to make life better for you, to be my big brother, to provide security and to protect me, to be there for me. I, on the other side, wanted to erase that distant look, to see your sad eyes smile, to hear your booming laughter all the time. I wanted to see you believe in yourself, accept yourself – including all your past mistakes. I wanted to strengthen you, if I could do that. I wanted to touch your life in a very special way, so you’d never forget me.
I want you to know now that, somehow, you were able to do what you wanted to do to me or for me. You made me laugh, you made me feel secure and safe a lot of times. I’m not sure how you did that, maybe it’s the nearness of you. For that, I’ll never forget you.
But just a point to remember, don’t change for me. Or for anyone. It’s for you. I never wanted to force you to do anything. I want only for you to know what you want. I never hoped you’d change for me, I only want you to get what you really want for yourself. Then I could see that your eyes are not sad anymore, your smile’s sincere, and when you laugh, there’s no “I’m not happy, I’m just laughing” afterthought. Looking at you now, I think you’re ready to do good things for yourself. I don’t know if I had a part in that. I’m just glad you’ve learned to protect yourself. That’s really good.
I hope that in my little way, I made you happy, because you really made me one.
I’ve been very stupid. I’ve made mistakes. A lot.
Knowing you was not a mistake. My mistake was forcing you to do things you weren’t ready to do, forcing you to give things you weren’t ready to give. Love grows. It’s not supposed to suffocate us. It’s supposed to grow over time. It needs a history of giving and receiving, crying and laughing. I was in a rush. I think, you would have grown to love me over time, even if you don’t think that now. It was wrong to ask for real love, it’s too early. I myself am not sure at the time if I really loved you. I knew for a fact that you put a dopey smile on my face. I knew I liked your company. I like you, that’s a fact. But stupid, stupid, my demands, ramblings, and mood swings. I think there really was no problem at all, I just invented it. And so it came into existence. Never mind the reasons why I invented that problem, there really are no excuses for screwing good things. You were a good thing. Not perfect, just right. Could have been just perfect for me…
The letter ends here, but the things I want to tell you, want to share with you, will probably never end. Right now, though, I just have to be strong for myself, because I just realized – I don’t have the world at the palm of my hand.
Apam
Posted by xam ::
Sunday, January 02, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
im getting fuckin bored. pagkasama ko si ibn, ok.. parang alaws problema. pag wala... naiiisip kong nananawa na ako sa gntong buhay.. gimik's like, BORING na rin. mapavideoke, billiards, bar --- wala na epekto. buti nga, i find joy kahit papano just watching movies and doing simple stuff with ibn. i like going home now sa paranaque. you know, parang naghahanap na rin ako ng comfort of a HOME?! kasawa na tong freedom na to. i wanna go to saudi and be with my parents for a while.. damn, i dunno anymore.
i dunno if i wanna finish this damn fine arts degree. sure, i wana get into advertising, but hell!! kung pwede na akong makapasok ngayun without all the hassle of getting this FA degree, then by all means!!! im tired. im sick of the the weirdos in FA. napakatemperamental ng mga prof ko. and everyone's like... i'm COOL, i'm unique, i'm different, i don't conform. DAMMIT. the same line from everyone. still stereotype. you have to be weird to be in. rules to fit in. hahaha. talk about being diverse! wala rin. pareho lang. standards pa rin.
i wanna work na. but damn!! im so scared of the responsibility din. so afraid of change. so afraid i won't get to work on time. so afraid id change into someone so mature. wanna be young. but then, also tired of being young. so immature. so useless to my family. have to earn.
what i want is... just be a BUM! just BUM around. minus all the guilt that goes with being a bum. haay... my parents will kill me if i end up just being a bum.
i wanna get married. i wanna make so many kids and be a housewife. a damn pretty housewife. just make a nice home, cook good food and make myself pretty. have cool parties, invite friends over, and show-off all my wealth, my kids, my goodlooking, loving, extremely sexy and CAPABLE husband. hahahahahah. so damn bored. so damn fucking bored.
i wanna do drugs. i dream of doing drugs. i dream of getting all high and crawling up a slope that's flat after all. i dream of salivating and just laughing at all the drool. i dream of renting a place for a night for 250 pesos, with the condition that i throw a party and invite the landlord. ha. stupid, lucid dreams.
i wanna travel. i wanna disappear from the world, take ibn with me, and cruise. i wanna go to all the beaches and get a nice tan. i wanna taste sand. wanna scrub myself with soft, white sand. i wanna get laid on the beach with a nice campfire burning nearby.
i wanna sleep. i just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep. i like sleeping. i get to dream about many things, different things. i get to be different kinds of people. one time i dreamt i was jennifer lopez. i honestly did.
i wanna rest. gotta go.
Posted by xam ::
Sunday, January 02, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
Memorable / funniest day in Ilang-Ilang 1999, October 16th
Argh!! It was supposed to be a sem-ender, so my roommates and I (we were all second years) thought it’d be fun to have our private party in our room. It was a party all right, but it was far from being “private” – it was complete with BLARING music (according to later sources, the 2 corridors, yellow & green, heard it, besides the Dagohoy boys), blinking red lights (courtesy of X roommate’s emergency lamp), dirty dancing, loud voices, dribbling basketball (as claimed by myself), and incense (as claimed by Y roommate)… It was fun, maybe too much fun – our neighbor knocked twice, begging, no… TELLING us to tone down. We were having the time of our lives, we couldn’t care less (yeah, yeah, that was mean of us), even if it was finals week, until the RAs (yes, plural) came up. WE WERE DEAD MEAT. It took us about 30 seconds to clean up and we had to come up with the stupidest lies (which were so absurd we laugh at it to this day) to Ma’am Jimenez the following days. It was memorable – we couldn’t sleep for 2 days worrying that we’d get kicked out of the dorm. It was funny – the lies, the set-up, our faces.
What I’d never forget about Ilang-Ilang Open House – pure fun
Formal Dinner – it’s funny how we obsess weeks before
Friends – I love the diversity of people I’ve met during my stay. They’re people I won’t forget!
I could simply get lost one night and go to Baguio – no one would ask for as long as I’ve signed OVERNIGHT.
What I’d gladly forget about Ilang-Ilang The fact that everything is timed >>> CURFEW. Payment deadlines. Meal time. Etc. I hate that.
What I’ll miss the most in the University The freedom to move and just BE.
About the Ilang-Ilang ladies Diverse – but mostly, dangerously sexy and witty :)
Tips for crammers If you can, don’t cram. But if you must (or if you can’t NOT cram), invest in sample exams. And uh, cigarettes DO help.
If I could go back to a certain time during my stay in UP, when that’d be, and why Freshman year. I want to relive the excitement of exploring UP Wonderland :)
What I would’ve changed if I were to go about my whole college life over again Just one thing: joining more orgs, and being active in them, so I could put some real good stuff in my resumé, get a high-paying job, and be well-off in 3 years. Otherwise, I like my college life as it is.
How I see myself ten years from now I’d like to see myself as an advertising executive, just married (HAPPILY), with a nice contemporary home, and very healthy. But who knows? I’d probably end up with a lung tumor.
How I want to be remembered I’d be flattered to be remembered as “a paradox.” But it doesn’t really matter. If I say I want to be remembered as someone nice and extremely attractive, it wouldn’t really happen. Probably, it’d be best to say that I want to be remembered just as how I should be remembered.
Famous last words Make the most of your stay – strike a balance (acads, religious activities, social life, extra-curricular, lovelife, family, hobby, time for yourself). You don’t want to regret anything.
Posted by xam ::
Sunday, January 02, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
I’d like to think that
you are so afraid
that I might break
your heart.
that the idea
of life
without me around
is so repulsive,
you’d almost regret
ever having me around.
that you could never
replicate,
much as you want,
what we shared.
that I am the only
living person
in this world
who could ever give you
the rush
you could never live without.
that in so little time,
I could ruin
the perfect little world
you’re living in now.
I’d like to think you’re
so afraid
of the certainty
that I could do that.
On the other hand,
I’d like to think you’re
so glad
of the certainty
that I won’t do that.
Posted by xam ::
Sunday, January 02, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
May 19
5 - :)..naniniguro lng po! :)Ingat s byahe Apam! Gudnyt.:)
1 - Ang sarap humiga. Ang sakit ng ulo ko. Ang lagkit ng katawan ko. Pero ok ang saya ko nman kanina!:)
May 20
4 - I do not know wat u mean by ur silence. :) I do not know why ur not txting me. But 1 thing I do know. Evn though im busy ol day I am alwys thnkng of you. Gudnyt. :)
8 - Nagulat nga ko dun s ngyari nung isang gabi. 2lad ng sabi m ktang kita sa mukha ko. D ko cguro kelangan iexplain..twas sumthin unxpectd but rily sweet n cool. :)
9 - 2log k na siempre Apam. Himbing 2log mo ha. Sana maganda panaginip m ngyng gabi. Para maganda gicing mmyang umaga.. :) Gudnyt. 2log n rin ako. Be dreamin of you. :)
May 21
7 - :). Gud morning Apam. Dat kiss? ..Wel u urslf r alwys cute. Beautiful actually. Xcept wen u get dos angry eyes n specialy more cute n beautiful in d dark. :).. So if
2 - So f ever I wud not control myself. Find me mesmerized by you! Cud I return d favor 4 dat kiss? :)
3 - :). Boy im dat privileged?! Just dnt mesmerize me..i wont control myself dstym. :).. Apam pasok n ko. Gud morning! :)
Posted by xam ::
Sunday, January 02, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
why did i start on this? wala lang.. i was thinking about doing it for a while now. i like that i could ramble all i want to the world (there's this strong feeling that it is NOT just for myself BUT ALSO for THE WORLD, you know, it is the world wide web), and still get the feeling of writing for myself.
two things i like about this is that its -- 1. a very reliable form of diary (won't get lost just like that) 2. cute
two things i don't like about this is that it's -- 1. public (subject to scrutiny) 2. usually written in "cute" english (at least pwede ako mag-potah nang mag-potah ok lang naman diba. and there, my first self-contradiction)
anyway i'm writing here and it's because i decided on it. now people will get to see how i think, how i always contradict myself, just how good and just how bad my thoughts are. just how nice and how mean i am.
you know i've read quite a few blogs now. from saudi pips, from arcadia pips, from other up pips, from other peeps. this blog thing and then there's the friendster thing. they're funny. they're funny because people could really see through the words, the pics, the images. and no matter how we all try to personalize our "accounts", how some people try to be as honest as possible, how some people try to be as modest even... some harsh truth comes out.
i don't really want to be the kind of person to judge other people. but in all honesty, i am quite judgmental. and sometimes i just think... AT LEAST i'm honest about it (there are very few who's really convinced me that they're not judgmental to a certain degree). anyway, my point is that there are really some people who "brag" in they're own little ways through the blog, through friendster, blah blah. it's funny... they try to be casual about it like it's something that just slips 'cause "aww.. it's just so normal, it's me." here are just some examples:
this girl uploaded pictures of herself in her "favorite" (as she herself said so) branded (yes, in LOUD print) shirt, including that of the brand's boutique window showing there's a sale. and in her profile, she mentioned all the most "exquisite" food, restaurants, places and hobbies she could muster. even in all the "testimonials" she gave her siblings, she expicitly mentioned her being a "shopaholic", etc., etc. she said all these in a very "casual" manner.
this guy who has always been known as a "dumb jock" back in high school is now a law student in a not-so-prestigious school. in his profile, his favorite books are "law books", his favorite hang-out is the “law library” and the "gym", his hobbies include “reading law books” and "working out" (repeatedly), his picture is of himself topless and showing off all his muscles.
this girl who has always been known to be "promdi" subtly shared her "driving" stories. but read this. she really, really talked about it every chance she gets in her account. like how it's one of her hobbies, how she's "getting used to being behind the steering wheel." you know.
there are really many more. and i'm guilty of this myself. i edited my picture so that my face would look longer (rather than round). I increased the contrast level and made it grayscale so that my face would appear well-contoured, etc. is it lame or what?
reason for this? see, friendster is like a "reunion" place where people get to see pictures and read about long-lost friends. people search old friends and try to find out if they've changed or what. and when people look at the accounts of other people, it's in private, so they can stare all they want and look up all the links and testimonials - and form new opinions. so if you had something like a bad rep back in high school, friendster's your chance to tell them these things:
i'm not geeky anymore / i'm popular now / i'm cool / i lost weight / i'm a late bloomer after all (addressed usually to many)
i'm very happy now / i'm happily married / i have adorable kids / i ended up with the guy / girl of my dreams (addressed usually to your ex or your ex's new beau or someone like that)
i got rich / i got what i want after all / my career is on track / (read: hey, this is a picture of my new flashy car, this is my occupation, blah blah)
i guess it's really normal. very human. like i said, i'm guilty of this. i suppose i just wanted to share my thoughts. thing is, i'm pre-empting things. yes, yes.. i am being paranoid. but this is the only way i know of that could really break the ice and let me be able to "go-with-the-flow" in future blogs. i really shouldn't worry how people will react to what i'm thinking or writing about, this is MY BLOG. but i have to do this so that if anyone finds anything more than what i'm explicitly saying, then it could probably just be so. i could mean it. i could even have planned on it. awww, just don't read my mind anymore (even if i'm guilty of this myself). i'm here, and i'm opening my thoughts. and shit. potah. my first blog's just so....
...oh man, i'm mean.
...very mean.
the demon's probably getting into me.
Posted by xam ::
Saturday, January 01, 2005 ::
0 Comments:
