Monday, October 31, 2005

FASHION AND BEAUTY IN CDO

I think I may have unearthed one of the biggest secrets today. There are no flat-chested women anymore. Not even flat-chested gays.

In my boredom, I stepped out of the café and had a little puff. I sat and watched women, old and young, pass by. A few gays passed by also. They were all well-endowed. Some chests were not too wiggly. They were firm, round and unmoving. These were the ones that really looked good. Padded bras, synthetic chests. Those with wiggly chests didn’t look too good. Their chests were sagging and jiggling up and down as they strotted down the sidewalk. Unpadded bras, authentic chests.

It turns out that the endowed ones are now the unlucky ones. Interesting. I’m gonna look up some more of these ironies.

Trivia:

In my habitual people-watching here in CDO, following are a few hasty generalizations about the female population (topic: fashion and beauty):

90% have long hair. 60% have straightened, relaxed or rebonded hair. 90% don’t wear make up, and of the 10% who do, 40% wear fuchsia lipstick. 70% do not pluck their eyebrows. 5% wear silver-studded white belts. It’s the “in” thing.

Posted by xam :: Monday, October 31, 2005 :: ---------------------------------------

Monday, October 24, 2005

DOG

Wasted Shit.

I don't know what I am right now. A volcano, maybe. Spilling out hot lava every two minutes. Or a pit bull.

Left and right, I'm snapping at everyone who deserves it. Yeah, yeah. The warrior in me has struck again. I'm not holding back on anyone. Temper on the loose, and no time to calm down.

Wreaking havoc, that's the term.

WALANG SINASANTO. That's another way of saying it.

I don't know if I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or I HAVE BROKE DOWN.




I'm picking at rich people now.

Last week, and last night, I picked on the owner of an agency.

This afternoon, I picked on one of the top 100 businesswomen in Cagayan De Oro City. Shrewd businesswoman. Scrupulous. Mary Gaisano, the known BLOODY Mary Gaisano, doesn't want to do business with this woman. This woman, well, she raises hell. Known among the rich Chinese businessmen here in CDO. Most people don't wanna do business with her. You won't get anything out of it. She makes millions out of 1 peso. The Epitome of a Chinese Businessman, only she's a woman, so she has that spunk and mood swings and raging hormones most women have.

This woman phoned me. I missed it. Then she texted me after a minute of not getting through. I didn't get to reply, I was driving. I tried calling her. The line was busy. Finally, she got through. Demanded why I was not answering her calls, not reacting to her text messages. Then a stream of rantings, demands, and so on. That was it. I snapped. Our relationship is indirect. I'm not her employee. She's not my boss. She's not my customer. We're in a transition period. I'm turning over part of my district to her. During this honeymoon period, she avails of my services FOR FREE. She gets something out of me, I don't get anything from her. A win-lose situation. And she's forcing me to choose her, to be on the losing end, when I have the choice to win elsewhere. Conflict of interest, that's what you call it when you're being diplomatic. I call it CONFLICT. Period.

"I didn't hear" - that's why I didn't get to answer her call
"I was just calling you, the line was busy"

Then.... I said...

"In just a span of what, TWO MINUTES????"
"Bakit ka galit?!"

Now she's tried to scare me, "I was trying to call your boss, to tell him you're not answering my calls."

(and so on.... I'm sparing the details...)

Yeah right. As if I care. I don't really care if I lose my job (but I remain doing my job). That's a good mindset, you know? From the moment I internalized that mindset, I became free from this godforsakensonovabitchputanginanghayopnatrabahongto. And guess what. I'm selling unlike ever before. Like selling hot dogs on a picnic day. Selling like a hot dog. I'm a hot dog.

I'm no longer polite, therefore, I no longer hesitate. I bite, and I lick.

I bite you if I sense danger from you. I lick your face if I will get something out of you. Like a pat on the head, or a bone for me to bury in the ground.

That simple. True or false.

So I bit her head off. Biyatch.

The other night there's this ranting woman. A jealous, insecure woman. The wife of one of my subordinates. Called me up. Texted me. A raving lunatic. First I was making a joke out of it, then I was mean, then I was nice, then I was civil. Then she had to shut up. I got my boss to call her up. Biyatch.

You all biyatches out there. Come near me and I'll bite. I have rabies. Seriously.

Posted by xam :: Monday, October 24, 2005 :: ---------------------------------------

Sunday, October 23, 2005

HIT A SPOT

A good friend of mine sent me this cartoon... Hit a spot!

With my present situation, being away from family, friends and love here in CDO, I've resorted to almost all means of communication, and in the most cost-efficient manner.

I remain wanting to get in touch with people. Ibn, enuh, celia, etc., etc... I want to know what's going on in their lives, and other people. And I want them to know more about mine, too! I want to know the details, I want them to know the details... So that when we're together, we can all talk normally as though we've never been apart.

But I'm limited by money. So I can't go on flying back and forth Manila just to be in touch. I can't call them all the time and spend hours and hours on the phone just to remain updated all the time.

Here's where blogs come in handy. Now, I don't have to ask them how they are. They don't have to ask me either.

Just check out the blog.


Thing is... By wanting to delve into all the details all the time (real time), we have diminished real, heart-to-heart, personal communication into a public log anybody (acquaintances, strangers, anybody!!!!) else can read. Text messages and phone calls have become rarer. No letters, no visits. No secrets. No gossip. No need to talk, really. No need to really talk. Just blog. And anybody who cares would read it.

Like you do, like you did. Thanks for taking time to ask me how I am, friend. How bout you? Doin fine too? I'm gonna check your blog in a while to see how you're doin... Ciao.

Note: Doesn't this hit a spot????

Posted by xam :: Sunday, October 23, 2005 :: ---------------------------------------

Friday, October 21, 2005

SMILEY SAM

I’m surprised that at the brink of death (montik-montik na on my way to Butuan), I was very calm. Almost smiling at the slow-mow pace of everything. No panic. No flash backs. No regrets. No wishful thinking. Some other thoughts, yes (I’ll get to that later).

It happened at around 1pm, October 19, 2005, near the end of my 208 km – drive to my next booking point. It was raining, so I’ve been driving at 40-60 kph for the past 2 ½ hours. I’ve been listening to a cassette tape (yes, a tape, not a cd!) recording of famous Eraserheads selections, and I’m on the third re-run. I’ve had one stop-over, and I was anxious to get to my destination. The rain had stopped, the road was still slippery. I was so bored.

I decided to adjust the rearview mirror to take a vanity look. Smiled. I was thinking how the skin around my mouth had an uneven tone, and how it’s starting to sag a bit – either from my recent weight loss, my natural ageing, or my premature ageing caused by smoking. I decided that if my face’s gonna wrinkle anyway, it might as well wrinkle in the right places. So I decided to smile. I seriously believed then that if I smile every second, it’d be like exercising my facial muscles. Then maybe the muscles would be toned, and I’d get a radiant, youthful face again. Or maybe the muscles would not be toned, cause wrinkles from too much smiling, but at least I’d get laugh lines rather than frown lines. So there I was, smiling on and off for about five minutes while listening to E-heads.

It was that part of the trip going up and down and right and left (in short, winding), entering the Caraga region. In this part, the view’s not so great anymore, gone’s the view of the really nice coastline of North Mindanao, the vegetation and the weather’s not so good here either, so the trees and grass are not a deep green anymore. This part is the part I like least in this particular route (which I take once or twice a month), just something I have to go through to get “there”.




As the road went down to a sharp right turn, I gently stepped on the brakes so I would slow down a bit, while steering the wheel to the right. Then the car started to skid clockwise, very slowly (or maybe I imagined this part), for 360-degrees until I came to a full stop at the edge of the road about 10 meters from where I started to skid. I counted ten seconds and no other vehicle came. I looked at my dashboard to find that the engine had died. I turned the keys to start the car, pumped the gas, released the clutch, steered the car back on track and headed on like nothing happened.

Looking back, I realize that was a close call. Thank God there were no other vehicles (coming towards me or following me) that I could’ve crashed into. No trees. No people. No structures. Thank God the car didn’t fall off the cliff. Thank God I didn’t panic, turned the steering wheel in different directions, or stepped on the breaks too hard causing the car to capsize(?).

What’s strange, as I said, was that I was so calm about it. While it was happening, while I was wondering if there was any approaching vehicle (car, bus or truck) from the blind spot, I was so calm. It was okay, at the time. It was okay. Here are the things that came to my mind:

“So this is it.”
“Here it goes…”
“Oh, too bad.”
“So that’s how those 360-degree-turns in the Gran Turismo game feel like. Wowee.”

It was that simple.

Hahahahaha, now I remember a friend who just lost her virginity saying, what’s the big deal about it anyway? What’s the fuss? That’s how it felt. I guess dying is like losing your virginity. Natural things in life must feel really natural.

So, that’s how my death could have felt… Natural.

But for others, it's the big D. Death. Sudden death. Could even qualify as tragic, considering my age and situation. Pathetically alone in that mountain (vs other vehicles), in North Mindanao (vs family and friends), in the Philippines (vs family). Ooooh, to die alone is indeed tragic. And how am I gonna be buried before sunset (the Islamic way) when the next flight to CDO is the next morning? Who would facilitate? Who would bury me? That, indeed is tragic. (STAGHFIRULLAH!)

But what does the dying person think while it’s happening (after all)?

…..“What’s the fuss???”

I was smiling while it almost happened. I want to smile when it will happen (hopefully not in the near future). Dying gracefully, now that’s something. :)

P.S. The next morning when I drove back to CDO through the same route, a ten-wheeler truck lay on its side on the road about twenty meters from where I almost did, too. So you see, the problem is with the road, not with my driving. And that’s what you call, “defensive” driving. Haha.

Posted by xam :: Friday, October 21, 2005 :: 2 Comments:

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---------------------------------------

Saturday, October 15, 2005

COINCIDENCE - INCIDENT NO. 2

It's nice to sit in a coffeeshop.. Alone with all these nice, nostalgic songs playing in the background.. :) Amazing coincidences. Here's to the song.

Wonderful Tonight
(Eric Clapton)
It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."
We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."
I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 15, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Everybody's Changing - Take II

Great. This is just great. I think about changing and not feeling the same and all that shit. I can't find the right words, really, but then there's this song that's playing.... Incidentally!



(Hehehe, the phenomenal Arcadia anthem. Thanks to Celts. :P ) Anyway, just feel like posting it. Coz it's exactly how I feel right now... You know what I mean.

Everybody's Changing
-By Keane

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right



So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 15, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- METAMORPHOSIS

It’s amazing how the mind and heart changes in a snap. How we don’t know a thing about anyone or anything and wake up one day to believe that you somehow can’t go on with your life without it. How we feel so fervently about it and then wake up, again, one day to something totally different (don’t even realize it sometimes). Again. And again.



That’s how it is – we live with it, loving it, and then leaving it. And that’s how we change.

From barbie dolls and see-saws and magic candles and crackling candies and wa tu si, I’ve become… this. Like this. Me, now.



In between then and now, I’ve fallen in and out of love with… rollerskating, telebabad, sign language, girl scouting, volleyball, Archie Andrews, Sesame Street, patintero, wintertime, Baby’s Breath, hailstorms, ghost hunting, playing the guitar, sandstorms, Horoscope Comics, DocMartens, dancing, Esprit, hide-and-seek, Nancy Drew, long evening walks, sketching, silver jewelry, Robin Padilla, proms, diaries, CAT, Chips Ahoy, green, iceskating, Sweet Valley, Mariah Carey, Teddy Bears, Kenny Rogers Roasters, tie-dyed shirts, Cover Girl, Christopher Pike, shorts, ballads, MTV, Seventeen Magazines, PopSwatch, ear-piercing, Trapper Keepers, jumpers, John Grisham, Alyssa Ashley lotion, Channel V, PDI, chocolate, Blue Ice, flaired jeans, artwork shirts, Kinder Chocolate, Leonardo DiCaprio, Titanic, sunny Sundays, Antipolo, Nokia 3650, wooden flutes, body bags, floral blouses, Miller, pink, friendship bands, BA, brown sandals, GoNuts Donuts, Kalayaan, Adam Sandler, calculus, jeepney rides, Ilang, button-fly jeans, playing the piano, URC, lovesongs, Cosmopolitan, C2, Beepers, Marlboro Lights Menthol, Tazmanian Devil, rainy days, red, SM North, blowdrying, Minesweeper, capri pants, jackets, Harry Potter, cargo pants, UP Fair, night-long gimmicks, loafers, plaid shirts, driving lessons, fancy earrings, Padis Point, McDonalds, Fine Arts, UP Bliss, ukay-ukay, weight training, joyriding, sociology, and PEOPLE --- so many people… I’m sure I’ve forgotten half of the things and people that I used to love.

I get to see some of these things and people every now and then. Some of them, gone forever.

I get a chance every now and then to do some reminiscing and what I get is a mixed feeling. Nostalgia, for remembering that once upon a time I cared. (No, I never felt again what I used to feel exactly, much like the song you know? I remember the boy… But I don’t remember the feeling anymore… Cliché, yes. But clichés are said over and over only because they’re fundamentally true.)

Then there’s wonder, at the “I used to” feeling that reminiscing brings. And sometimes, there’s a queasy feeling and I ask myself, how could I ever have cared about, liked, enjoyed or loved this or that?

See, I’m not a “what-if” person. There are people like that. I’m an “I-can’t-believe-I-used-to” person, know what I mean? Not that the “used-to” thing or person is anything bad … I just can’t believe it really used to exist, and now it’s really gone. But you know, there are evidences and witnesses and you have your memories to prove that it really existed at all. Thing is, I can’t feel any connection to it and I wonder if it really was real, because it certainly doesn’t feel real anymore because after all, it isn’t real anymore. Am I making sense? I don’t know.

I look back now and I realize how I liked contradictory things at two different times. Like how I like floral patterns before and STRICTLY geometric now. How I used to be a sucker for Mariah Carey and how she makes me want to puke now. How I cherished clean living before and how I’m now reminiscent of a 15-year-old smoke-belching truck. What happened between then and now, I have no idea. A little bit of acquiring and losing habits here and there and here we are today.


I’m scared and I’m excited. This will never end. Even now, I’m metarmorphosing, constantly shedding off skin and then renewing it. Or could it be that I’m dying all the time and being born all over again all the time? I can’t imagine what kind of a person I’ll be fifty years from now (if im still alive by then). A totally different person, but yes, still me. And I’ll remember e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Creepy. Really creepy.

It must be one of those things. The BIG JOKE, they call it.

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 15, 2005 :: 2 Comments:

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---------------------------------------

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Human Nature

We are all driven by a savage nature (remember the ape man). Even the “noblest” pursuit of men - wisdom, nirvana, or purpose – is driven by the same primal instinct that drives our animal counterparts to exist.

In very much the same way animals function (as we see in the Animal Planet), we human beings function. Everything that we are and aspire to be is not a product of our will, but of our genetic tendencies.

Society and Politics – including the concept of power, authority, leadership and freedom, is nothing more profound than eating, sleeping, mating, reproducing, the list goes on. Even ants and termites face the same issues we face.

Terrorism and Violence – what makes these different from lions fighting over territory?

Feminism – what makes this different from female grasshoppers gobbling up their male partners’ heads?

And how about homosexuality and earthworms? Aren’t they related in any way?

It’s as basic as it can ever be – this life. Let’s not complicate it, let’s not hail it. There’s nothing more to it. Just enjoy it while we can. Hedonism is the way to go about it.

Posted by xam :: Sunday, October 09, 2005 :: 1 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Mole Phobia

I have this mole that’s getting bigger and bigger by about 0.00000000000000000001% of a centimeter every hour.
It’s scary, this perpetual increase in melanin concentration smack in the middle of my left cheek.
The more I age, the bigger it’s getting.
It was that fateful day in 1989, when this mole officially started to exist.
It was more like the end of a hairstrand, how tiny it had been, even cute.
Now it’s 16 years old, and it’s ageing more rapidly than its host!
I’m afraid it might gobble me up one day!
I don’t want to become a mole!!!

Posted by xam :: Sunday, October 09, 2005 :: 2 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Excerpts from The Hours

I am ungrateful?
You call me ungrateful?
My life has been stolen from me.
I’m living in a town I have no wish to live in.
I’m living a life I have no wish to live..

~ Virginia Woolfe to husband in The Hours OR Me to the company I'm presently working for


I remember one morning, getting up at dawn
There was such a sense of possibility.
You know? That feeling?
And I remember thinking to myself.
So, this is the beginning of happiness.
This is where it starts.
And of course, there will be more.
It never occurred to me, it wasn’t the beginning.
It was happiness. It was the moment… right then.

Posted by xam :: Sunday, October 09, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Ranting Etiquette

Rant with all your heart
Rant at the top of your lungs
Rant about anything you can muster
Rant like there’s no tomorrow
Rant like nothing is ever good in life
Rant like no one would ever understand
Rant until you consume your sanity
Rant until no one would listen
Rant until you become it

Posted by xam :: Sunday, October 09, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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---------------------------------------

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Profile -1 (that's negative one)

I forgive the unforgiveable if I love you. I would die for you, I would kill for you. But I don't forgive the littlest thing if I don't like you. I believe that there are only four kinds of people in this world: people i love, people i like, people i don't care about, and people who must go. There is no particular reason for me to love you, like you, not care about you, or want you to disappear. Love happens. And shit happens likewise. I would love you even if you're a criminal or a traitor. I would like you just because you like the same brand of cigarette as I do. I would not care about you even if my life depended on it. I would want you to disappear just because you remind me of Shrek. I'm not a fair person. I judge people based on hearsay. Or intuition. I play favorites. Doesn't matter if I'm with the the wrong side. In fact, I'm even more inclined to dislike people who are just too "good." Something superficial, otherworldly about it that makes me twinge.

I like psycho-analyzing other people - inner thoughts and desires, motives, insecurities, etc. I use psychoanalysis for or against these people. I use it to as a light and shield. To understand or to defend. Or I use it as a bullet. To destroy. Like I said, I am not a fair person. Anyone is free to hate me for this.

I justify things, be it right or wrong. I try to rationalize what is irrational. Some people, they fall for it and believe me. Some see through me. I always convince myself.

I don't believe that people are inherently good. Nor bad. I believe that people love. This is inherent. Love for self. Love for family. Love for God. It's actually random. And love makes people do all sorts of things.

No, I am not unique. I am plain. Plain and wanting to step up and make a difference. But plain nonetheless. I do not want to think that I am so different from you all. We are all of the same nature. We live, we love, we die. That is all we are.

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 08, 2005 :: 3 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- IF ONLY

(What?)
I love you.
(Oh, I love you too.)
I want to tell you why I love you.
(It’s raining. You know that, right?)
I have to tell you this and you need to hear it.
I’ve loved you since I met you…
But I wouldn’t allow myself to truly feel it until today.
I was always thinking ahead.
Making decisions out of fear.
Today, because of you, what I learned from you..

Every choice I made was different and my life has completely changed..
And I’ve learned that if you do that you’re living your life fully.
It doesn’t matter if you have five minutes or fifty years.
Samantha, if not for today, if not for you
I would never have known love at all.
So thank you for being the person who taught me to love.
And to be loved.
(I don’t know what to say.)
You don’t have to say anything.
I just wanted to tell you.

~ Ian to Samantha in If Only

It’s really a very common declaration of love. But when I think about it, Ian thought Samantha was about to die. But it was he who was gonna die after all (Sorry for spoiling the ending) and that last day, well, was the defining day of his life. He died exactly a minute after saying this. Great final words. :)

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 08, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Something Like the Arcadians :)

We danced our youth in a dreamed-of city –
Venice. Paradise, proud and pretty
We lived for love and lust and beauty
Pleasure then our only duty
Floating then ‘twixt heaven and earth
And drunk on plenty’s blessed mirth
We thought ourselves eternal then
Our glory sealed by God’s own pen
But paradise we found is always frail
Against man’s fear will always fail
~ Dangerous Beauty

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 08, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Sink or Swim

My guess is that meaning gets lost in the details.

My meticulous way of looking at life has diminished my purpose into nothing. My fantastic vision of what my life would be, has reduced me into an ambitiously unsuccessful jack-of-all trades. Worse, a useless joker in a deck of casino cards.

I think I may have daydreamed too much, planned too much, shared too much. Now I’m thinking too much. In all these excesses I have drowned in confusion and lost my self.



Our high school guidance counselor telling me during career counseling that I could “excel” (I assumed she also meant “succeed”) in anything I wanted to get into may have been my life’s curse. It ushered me into the world of complacency, assured that nothing could go wrong in anything I’d choose to do. I never even made a conscious, deliberate decision in choosing a college course. I don’t know if she’d been wrong after all. She could have said SOMETHING specific. I would have pursued it with all the passion required. (Now I remember my Grade 5 teacher telling me to look first before I dive --- I keep jumping even if there’s no water in the pool. That kind of confidence will get me nowhere.)



Well now I realize after seven years, our guidance counselor might as well have said I’d suffer a life of mediocrity for being good at everything* (which is really not what I had planned and worked my ass for. Thanks, but no thanks, Aristotle.). I heard once that people tend to be happy in what they’re good at. This means my happiness could have been everywhere, but for lack of comparison, I’m no different from a fish unaware that water exists. You don’t know it exists, you’ll never find it.



So maybe that’s why I’m in this abysmal state. I found out that beyond the waters I’ve been living in, there’s air. I’ve been plain happy all my life (not that I’m an ingrate). But there is greatness and there is loss. I’m caught smack in the middle of it all, and I’d die outside water. The best I’d get is swim around a bowl forever and watch how other creatures fly, walk, dance, and swim like myself. And I have to keep swimming, lest I sink…. Or float. I don’t even know which is worse.

*DAW.

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 08, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Bottled Up - More Repressions

I feel a certain kind of love. A certain kind that I haven’t read, watched, seen or heard about. If I can’t express it, then it might as well be like autographic clichés saying “Love is Blind” or “Love is sweeter the second time around”. Then it wouldn’t be like I’m thinking it is, distinct. There certainly must be a way to go around words to describe it. A painting maybe? A photograph? I can’t.

Now I have found a perfect excuse for my shortcoming. If after all, this is just like everybody else’s love, claiming to be something uniquely different, but not able to prove it in a grand way, then maybe it is. And there is nothing wrong about it – only shows I’m part of the same matter with which God made everybody. So maybe, this time, it’s alright to not capture it, it’s “love, sweet love”, and that’s it.

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 08, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Bottled Up

What’s worse than being mute? It’s being able to talk and not say things right.

I find it repressive to feel all sorts of intricate emotions bottled up inside me and not be able to share it like it really is. I can describe them a bit. I’ve tried, and I’ve been talking about it for the past 15 years. Some people, well, they tell me they understand, but how could they? I don’t know what I’m saying either, and I know I haven’t said it right.

Then the feelings pass, buried in a time capsule – who knows if they will ever be revealed and understood for what they truly mean? I value these things, these things that constitute the essence of my life, the meat in the sandwich, the drama between commercials. If I can’t capture them, remember them, they could as well be myth.

This time around, when I’m dizzy and aching in this whirlwind of emotions, I want to try harder to capture it. Like all the great songs, poetry and stories of those who are lucky enough, I want to make my own attempt.

The challenge I suppose is capturing this chapter in my story. This must be something unique – so many stories have been dissolved by time, forgotten, but there has never been a record of identical lives.

So I’ll try – not to immortalize this moment, just to make it real.

I’m going through the point in my life where one foot is buried at home and the other is wandering through places, venturing towards scary, exciting and unknown things. I’m in the middle of a tug-of-war – between melancholy and bliss. Wising up a bit has made me feel this way. I’m getting used to being pulled back and forth. I’m getting used to appreciating what I have, thinking that happiness is made and not found, that this is just a phase, and knowing there’s more… and the next minute losing hope in myself and getting lost in the humdrum of everything, losing meaning, losing purpose, disappearing into zilch.

I catch a glimpse once in a while of something great inside me, something that could make a practical difference, and sometimes there’s something that’s intricately, cold-bloodedly evil. Yes, there’s a Jekyll and Hide in me, and more. There must be 10 of them in me, all wanting to dominate, wanting to emerge in different ways, which is not improbable, being different that they all are.

Let me introduce some of them:

There’s Romantic, sweet in taming everyone, writing poems and building sand castles with the one, loving every color and scent life has to offer, finding a good reason for anything that could go wrong.

There’s Neurotic, so inwardly-oriented, chattering away with everyone and with no one, thoughts of damnation and evil mushrooming at every corner of this consciousness, so reckless in wanting to take over, and so is always caught off-handed by….

The Genius, calculated in each move, planning forty years ahead, what needs to be done to get there, in the next twenty, fifteen, ten, five, three, two years, next year, next month, next week, tomorrow, now – all the little details mapped out with premises, finances, secret formulas, factors and determinants.

There’s Bum, almost non-existent for its almost absolute absence of thought or movement, indulging in but not enjoying the bed, the couch, the driver’s seat, reality slipping away in between snoozes and trances.

There’s Gypsy, cussing and cursing and guessing other people’s fortunes, dancing wildly, spinning in a reverie for weeks and months, making up riddles and stories about the mystery of life, and then moving on towards oblivion in an instant.

There’s Heroine, defying the domineering ruling class, defending the oppressed at all costs, all-giving and selfless for the sake of common good, strong in war but weak in self-preservation tactics.

There’s Conscience, weighing the summation of all good and evil, a constant guide for what must be thought and done, almost smothering, always flooding the heart with guilt and repentance.

May they all emerge, cancel out and eliminate each other, and may the best me win. I’m placing all my money on Neurotic, if only he’d be a little more like Hannibal.

When only one has emerged, at least I’d know then, they all existed once upon a time – now.

Posted by xam :: Saturday, October 08, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Just Like This

Our story isn’t an epic so grand,
Not a romantic comedy,
Not anything Shakesperean.

I didn’t know right from the start,
that one instant when I met you.
And you, were nothing like Braveheart.

We fell in love under the stars,
over lunches and dinners,
fireworks, joyrides and flowers.

We shared some silly jokes and lines,
wishful thinking, lost hopes,
and the solitary silence.

Oh, it didn’t take a long while,
we finished each others’ stories,
before long all we did was smile.

No moments of serendipity,
nothing really Grammy-worthy.
Only sharing everyday.

We are just like this, you and me.
We aren’t really different,
Nothing extraordinary.

But I love you, and you love me.
What else can be said,
What else can there be?

Posted by xam :: Friday, October 07, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Common

I am no one special
Just a common man with common thoughts
I’ve led a common life
There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten

But in one respect
I’ve succeeded gloriously as anyone who ever lived
I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul
And for me, that has always been enough.

~ Noah in The Notebook
(Exactly how I was feeling at the time I heard the lines. Awwwwww!!)

Posted by xam :: Friday, October 07, 2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Describing Pleasure

Pure, raw, explosive pleasure!
Better than drugs,
Better than smack!
Better than dope-coke-crack-fix-shit-shoot-sniff-ganja-marijuana-blotter-acid-ecstasy!
Better than sex, head, 69, orgies, masturbation, tantrism, Kama Sutra or Thai doggy-style!
Better than banana milkshakes!
Better than George Lucas’ trilogy, the Muppets and 2001!
Better than Emma Peel, Marilyn, Lara Croft and Cindy Crawford’s beauty mark!
Better than the B-side of Abbey Road,
Better than Hendrix, the first man on the moon!
Space Mountain, Santa Claus,
Bill Gates’ forune, the Dalai Lama, Lazarus raised from the dead!
Schwarzenegger’s testosterone shots, Pam Anderson’s lips!
Woodstock, raves…
Better than de Sade, Rimbaud, Morrison and Castaneda!
Better than freedom, better than life!



~ Julien in Love Me If You Dare
(Can you imagine that. Sam watching a FRENCH flick and liking it. Something's wrong with the world. Now I have to research on all these things. So far I know fourteen of these!!!! Hahaha!!! Well, I could have at least read about them right?)

Posted by xam :: Friday, October 07, 2005 :: 2 Comments:

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