Sunday, July 08, 2007

re-posting my best friend's post :)

enuh!!! i hope it's ok kung i-repost ko... anyway di naman to mababasa ng romanticized other mo. hehehehe. :)

******

bonding time between best friends, may kasamang videoke pa!=)

anyway, we've both had an interesting week, and surprisingly affected or unaffacted in different
ways by parallel events. since i can't exactly talk about what she's going through, i'll stick to
my particular case, and she said something surprising but true, but which answered my question.

see, i'd expected far worse, something times ten of my occasional lows, and surprisingly not only
are things fine on my end, i don't feel anything when i thought i should. i actually said to her,
"there's this song that i'm thinking about, and the first line goes, 'she doesn't have a heart.'
and i'm wondering if don't have one, because if i had one, i shouldn't feel this way at all. i
honestly don't know why i don't feel bad at all." and this is what she said: "you romanticized it,
perhaps from the beginning even, and i guess you finally realized it and you have no regrets." and
with that rare flash of insight i sometimes have, i realize she's right on the money. she's seen
me through heartbreak before, and for the life of me, i can't figure out why i'm actually feeling
fine.

so we talked some more, and i realized that despite what i thought i felt and how i expressed it,
i see things more clearly.

see, i couldn't have expressed anything with much sincerity because i actually didn't know the
person and likewise the person didn't know me at all. and receiving a hallmark-like response made
it all so much clearer and simpler. the whole thing on my end, which lasted for quite some time,
was based on an idealized other. (idealized not in the sense as an ideal or as someone perfect,
but as someone within the confines of a particular logic based on what i know of him and what i
see him to be) and on my end, i know i wasn't exactly being myself out of fear of being
misunderstood - none of my pecularities, not enough confidence to really be myself, past and
present and future. i only wanted known a part of myself, but not the rest of me. would that have
changed things, i think not, but at least i'd have had the certainty that i was being truly myself
all of the time and not just acting out some part i thought i'd fit better.

although, i do genuinely appreciate the fact that my horizons were opened to new experiences and
that meeting him fueled at least that sense of romanticism in me, albeit misplaced.

another good thing to come out of it is that i'm writing about it. at least to some extent i'm
trying to blur the distinctions i draw between my different personas. (haha, i sound so schizo
here!)

so i guess this would be my sole regret out of the whole crazy experience: i wish that the
expression of how i truly felt was not so much in form, but in substance. that i had some basis by
actually knowing the person and knowing myself in the process. but this isn't without
rectification. it can still happen outside of what has transpired, outside of an idealized set-up,
and in a more natural and normalized setting minus unrealistic expectations, like friendship, for
instance.

then it would have made sense to say that i felt more alive :)

*****

Posted by xam :: Sunday, July 08, 2007 :: 0 Comments:

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