Monday, July 02, 2007

swit swat

"How do these things just spew out of your head like this? Couldn't you at least use your brain as a filter? That remark would hurt if I had feelings." - Richard Fish in Ally Mc Beal

once in a while, i need a swat in the head.

i grew up with a lot of that much-needed swatting. much-needed, because absent it, i would have forgotten as early as age 8 that i walked on ground.

"Nelle, remember how you hate people talking about you behind your back?" "Yes."
"I can't do that when you are in the room."
- Richard Fish & Nelle Porter in Ally McBeal

to create the positive effect though, the swat must come from the right person - someone with no hidden agenda but only to swat me in the head, someone i'd never doubt or else i'd only take the comment as an effort to make me feel bad. the words must be crafted in a way that, at the least, seems to tell the truth - one that is undeniably true but unrecognized (or denied) by me. no labels, no loaded words, no singular adjectives that could potentially traumatize me. just a few phrases, expounding what it is that needs to be said.

"You've got to remember John. You're not who you are, you're only what other people think of you. Fishism."
- Richard Fish in Ally McBeal

i hold those who can swat me in high esteem. for being able to yank me (a person who's always been known to be of the strong kind) off the cloud i'm walking on and make me see things straight. for being confident enough in our relationship, for knowing with certainty that swatting me won't be a reason for our fall-out. or for caring enough about me so that a potential momentary spite or even a permanent absence will be graciously taken.

"Why am I telling you this?"
"Because you can. Remember, when you are with me it’s the one time you aren't the strangest person in the room."
- John Cage & Ally McBeal in Ally McBeal

well, i just had an effective little swat. not so hard, but enough to keep me off-balance. it was a line that had been used on me before, re-used in a way that wasn't even intended to swat me, but only to remind me that i was swatted with it many years ago, and even to apologize for it. i actually have no recollection of that particular instance in the past, but i do remember how it felt. so i am convinced, that yes, it was said to me before.

"The world will go on even without you."

and the effect produced is still the same. it's almost like stumbling on a stone, and falling flat on my face. my instinctive reaction would almost always be to scowl at the stone, pick it up, and throw it out to the mud. but i know i can't blame the stone. after all, i sometimes i get busy enjoying the scenery, i fail to look where i'm going. so instead, i'll just pick it up, brush away the dirt, and place it in my pocket. i'll keep the stone and decide it's a lucky charm. sometimes i keep stones inside my pencilcase or my drawer. once I even kept one in my shoe, and it hurt walking around with it, but it was a pleasant reminder for all those times I forget.

"By not going down the road, it remains the road ahead which excites me. It even brings me joy."
- John Cage in Ally McBeal

it is like that then, and it is like that now. and like before, i hold my swatter in high esteem.

"Bygones."
- Richard Fish in Ally McBeal

(i remember the ally mcbeal episode 23 in season 1, titled "these were the days" wherein john cage's cousin, a harmless but eccentric man with a "cupid complex" was brought up on assault charges for swatting couples in the head with a paddle to goose them into realizing they're in love. hahahaha... i wonder.)

Labels: pondering, reminiscing

Posted by xam :: Monday, July 02, 2007 :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------