Friday, October 21, 2005

SMILEY SAM

I’m surprised that at the brink of death (montik-montik na on my way to Butuan), I was very calm. Almost smiling at the slow-mow pace of everything. No panic. No flash backs. No regrets. No wishful thinking. Some other thoughts, yes (I’ll get to that later).

It happened at around 1pm, October 19, 2005, near the end of my 208 km – drive to my next booking point. It was raining, so I’ve been driving at 40-60 kph for the past 2 ½ hours. I’ve been listening to a cassette tape (yes, a tape, not a cd!) recording of famous Eraserheads selections, and I’m on the third re-run. I’ve had one stop-over, and I was anxious to get to my destination. The rain had stopped, the road was still slippery. I was so bored.

I decided to adjust the rearview mirror to take a vanity look. Smiled. I was thinking how the skin around my mouth had an uneven tone, and how it’s starting to sag a bit – either from my recent weight loss, my natural ageing, or my premature ageing caused by smoking. I decided that if my face’s gonna wrinkle anyway, it might as well wrinkle in the right places. So I decided to smile. I seriously believed then that if I smile every second, it’d be like exercising my facial muscles. Then maybe the muscles would be toned, and I’d get a radiant, youthful face again. Or maybe the muscles would not be toned, cause wrinkles from too much smiling, but at least I’d get laugh lines rather than frown lines. So there I was, smiling on and off for about five minutes while listening to E-heads.

It was that part of the trip going up and down and right and left (in short, winding), entering the Caraga region. In this part, the view’s not so great anymore, gone’s the view of the really nice coastline of North Mindanao, the vegetation and the weather’s not so good here either, so the trees and grass are not a deep green anymore. This part is the part I like least in this particular route (which I take once or twice a month), just something I have to go through to get “there”.




As the road went down to a sharp right turn, I gently stepped on the brakes so I would slow down a bit, while steering the wheel to the right. Then the car started to skid clockwise, very slowly (or maybe I imagined this part), for 360-degrees until I came to a full stop at the edge of the road about 10 meters from where I started to skid. I counted ten seconds and no other vehicle came. I looked at my dashboard to find that the engine had died. I turned the keys to start the car, pumped the gas, released the clutch, steered the car back on track and headed on like nothing happened.

Looking back, I realize that was a close call. Thank God there were no other vehicles (coming towards me or following me) that I could’ve crashed into. No trees. No people. No structures. Thank God the car didn’t fall off the cliff. Thank God I didn’t panic, turned the steering wheel in different directions, or stepped on the breaks too hard causing the car to capsize(?).

What’s strange, as I said, was that I was so calm about it. While it was happening, while I was wondering if there was any approaching vehicle (car, bus or truck) from the blind spot, I was so calm. It was okay, at the time. It was okay. Here are the things that came to my mind:

“So this is it.”
“Here it goes…”
“Oh, too bad.”
“So that’s how those 360-degree-turns in the Gran Turismo game feel like. Wowee.”

It was that simple.

Hahahahaha, now I remember a friend who just lost her virginity saying, what’s the big deal about it anyway? What’s the fuss? That’s how it felt. I guess dying is like losing your virginity. Natural things in life must feel really natural.

So, that’s how my death could have felt… Natural.

But for others, it's the big D. Death. Sudden death. Could even qualify as tragic, considering my age and situation. Pathetically alone in that mountain (vs other vehicles), in North Mindanao (vs family and friends), in the Philippines (vs family). Ooooh, to die alone is indeed tragic. And how am I gonna be buried before sunset (the Islamic way) when the next flight to CDO is the next morning? Who would facilitate? Who would bury me? That, indeed is tragic. (STAGHFIRULLAH!)

But what does the dying person think while it’s happening (after all)?

…..“What’s the fuss???”

I was smiling while it almost happened. I want to smile when it will happen (hopefully not in the near future). Dying gracefully, now that’s something. :)

P.S. The next morning when I drove back to CDO through the same route, a ten-wheeler truck lay on its side on the road about twenty meters from where I almost did, too. So you see, the problem is with the road, not with my driving. And that’s what you call, “defensive” driving. Haha.

Posted by xam :: Friday, October 21, 2005 :: 2 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------