Monday, November 07, 2005

My Solitaire Game

What good does solitude bring?

After many years of chaos, I am now suffering and enjoying the two faces of solitude. I ache for loneliness, a longing for everyday intimacy, conversation or simple company. All I want is to lie contentendly in the arms of Ibn, to ponder endlessly on the mysteries of life and relationships with fellow Arcadians, or to watch cable like there’s no tomorrow at home with family. Getting used to it is like having to start your life all over in hell to get a mere glimpse of heaven. In solitude. All of a sudden I have to settle for the warmth of my new bed with my ten-year-old, deformed, dependable pillow. When something profound occurs to me, I have to sort it all out in my head, allow it to incubate for a while, keep it on file for later conversations, or write it down.

So I get to enjoy a bit more of this thinking part. More time to contemplate on life, philosophy and ageing, to detect and learn from mistakes. To take care of my mind, my body and my soul. I’m not quite enjoying it to the fullest. I’ve only just really begun. :)

I’d been resigned into believing that I have lost all interest in these mundane, solitary things. Such as writing, reading, listening to good music.

When I was in Manila for a week, twice I heard this ad on the radio. This guy talking about how fun it is to play solitaire. The ad was sarcastic about solitude. The point was that it’s always more fun to play a card game with someone else. Black Jack - great for two’s. Tong-its - good three-person game. Or poker - four persons. Well sometimes you want to play solitaire. And if you own the cards you can do that. If not for the tone or the bottom line, the ad hit a few truth spots in me and I would have liked the ad. Thing is, Solitaire is a good game. You set the pace, you don’t compete with anyone, only yourself. You may or may not be honest about the game. You can start all over any time and no one complains. You get to wish in the end. That’s the solitaire mystery. The card game for singles who find a way of enjoying life in solitude.

So now I’m getting around. I woke up at 6:00 AM today. Checked my cellphone for a good few text messages. I got good news from Debbz. That’s it. I don’t get to sit on the round white table to laugh about the scare, or to make a toast to the celebration. I heard about it, and that’s it. That’s what you get when you’re playing solitaire. No black jacks. Walang tong-its, walang diga, walang pusoy, walang bangka, walang panalo, pero wala din naming talo.

I woke up with a sense of calm. It’s from the music I haven’t heard yet but I’ll be hearing from now on. The music of my solitude. I have found yet another recluse. :) Five years ago, I was starting my own CD collection when by some act of fate they ALL got lost. I never got around to building it again until now. My collection now ranges: Pinoy Rock, Ballads, Reggae, Soul, R&B, Classics, Country, New Wave / Retro, Acoustic, Alternative Rock, Jazz / Blues, Rave and Classical. Here are a few of the CDs I got (bought or sourced from Paranaque!): Orange and Lemons, MYMP, Hale, Cueshe, Rivermaya, Sponge Cola, Side A, Air Supply, Rey Valera, Brownman, Bob Marley, 50 First Dates Soundtrack, Nina, Beegees, Beatles, Chicago, Bread, Eagles, Carpenters, Norah Jones, Asin, Queen, Evanescence, Acoustic collections, Sugar Ray, Starbucks NYC, Michael Buble, Rave collections, Mozart and more collections. I’m looking forward to expanding my collection per category. :) I’m also looking into entering the rock category, hehehe. I’ll probably start with Green Day, Nirvana or Aerosmith. Hmm.. Gawd, I still don’t have Alicia Keys! Well for now I’m happy with the range. I can jump in and out of any mood by popping in a CD. The good thing about being alone is no one complains about your music being too loud or too slow. My solitaire music indeed.

And my book collection is growing again. Just recently, my interest in books has been revived. Halellujah! Recent books I’ve bought: Robert Fulghum, Garbriel Garcia Marquez, Jostein Gaarder and some not-so-known writers with interesting material. This has got to grow. Too few. :(

My VCD collection. I got myself Prozac Nation, My Sassy Girl, Nicole Kidman collections, Magnolia, Shutter, Ethan Hawke Collections, Hide and Seek, Spanglish, The Godfather Trilogy, The Star Wars Episodes I-III, Closer, Things You Can Tell Just By Looking at Her (all time favorite), lovestory collections, and some Tom Hanks. Cute collection, but not as expansive. Getting there.

And a lot more of so-so collections are growing again. Like my body care stuff, clothes, etc. All in the name of therapeutic solitude.

As for writing, well, at least I’ve started to write again. I’ve never really been a poet, just a few essays and articles here and there. Not much of a writer. What’s good now is that at least I’ve gone into writing. It’s probably my solitary therapy. Or just boredom. Well it’s a reason to be happy. :) I’ve been blogging. I’ve been doing some designing. At least for the moment I have some sort of artistic expression. And that’s good.

I’m happy because at the very least, I’m getting my money’s worth. :) Part of it is being burned to ashes, drained down the toilet, but then a bigger part of it is going into my mind, body and soul.

And that’s the good solitude brings. The only few goods, but still good. Still good.

Notes:

Enuh, I remember your entry on deferred gratification. I thought about it now and I realized that maybe the act of deferring, or the things you do while deferring the gratification, sometimes become the gratification in itself. :)

Celts, too bad for your music, book and writing collection. Next time kasi, mas alagaan. But hey, you still have time to rebuild it. I know you will.

Posted by xam :: Monday, November 07, 2005 :: 3 Comments:

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