Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Living in a Fantaserye

yesterday and today i successfully made my reality a fantasy. :)

i was walking around in a dreamlike state, even asking my friends if what was happening was real, and of course they said it was real. (every time i'm dreaming and i start asking if what was happening was real or not, my conscious mind goes centerstage and i wake up.)

yesterday i woke up and decided the day was going to be different. i'm going to do things i always imagined i'd do. or maybe nothing in particular, because if it were, it would be something i've jottted down on my "to do" list, and then it'd be real and not surreal. i don't know how to describe it exactly - how my day started, that is - there wasn't really a conscious effort, because i hadn't planned to have an unconventional day. i just felt i was in a trance when i woke up, like some force took control over my body and made me do things i wanted to do without any clear, unequivocal command from my mind.

so i just went about my room and before i was aware of it, i was in full jogging gear. i had a meeting at the up law, but i didn't stop to think if what i was wearing was appropriate. i just got into the revo and drove off. upon arrival at the college, the meeting didn't push through. so i went to the arcade, emptied out all my pockets into the revo, and left my car keys with ate sing. then i started to walk, then brisk walk, then jog, then pant (i haven't done it in a while), then brisk walk, then walk, then jog, then jog, then pant, then jog, then walk, then brisk walk, then jog, then pant, then jog, then pant, then brisk walk --- all the while staring at the pavement around the acad oval, the uneven overlapping of concrete tiles caused by the movement of the earth. yes! the philippine fault line passed right at the sunken garden, the earth must be moving. i just kept on going without thinking anything -- jog, walk, brisk walk, walk, jog, jog, pant, pant, pant, pant, jog, walk, brisk walk. until it was over.

i went home. i walked in the dark. i love the dark. then i felt the sole of my right foot sink into a cut piece of glass. i turned on the light. my room was a mess. wind blowed into the window and an empty glass sitting on my desk fell on the floor and broke into pieces. i cursed, but i felt alright. i was in no mood to panic, though i wondered. i cleaned my foot and took a cold shower. in the dark. i love taking showers in the dark.

then i went to a poetry reading with a few friends. the place had bright lighting, it was also dim at the same time. everyone seemed to know each other, and the experience seemed to me like some secret, cult-like society. the man who welcomed my best friend, who was going to read poetry that night, took the front stage. he started to talk about instituting a republic of poetry and i imagined he was telling us that they were programmed to receive, that we could checkout any time we like, but we could never leave (courtesy of hotel california by eagles). i wondered at the thought of a republic of poetry - where the president is a dead poet, the cabinet is a book cabinet, and law does not exist. where people speak to everyone else in a trance-like state, double speaking, uttering lyrics in reference to, but not really in reference to, what the other is saying. to speak with a license to alter reality, to twist truth and to speak it. i looked around i saw many empty faces. and like i said yesterday, they laughed on cue, crooned on cue. no one understood each other and everyone understood everyone else. it was intimate, it was impersonal. it was quiet, it was noisy. it was a noisy kind of quiet or a quiet kind of noise. i had nothing more to say, or do, except to pollute the atmosphere with smoke, blowing smoke right at an girl's empty face.

then my best friend and i went to the videoke place with the blue light. i thought then how we were slipping into an underground world - my best friend getting a high on poetry, and me getting a high on singing. we sang like red horses, and some gay / bi-sexual men started talking to us, telling us we were more men than they. and yes, we were. my best friend and i are men hiding in women's bodies.

it was time to go home until we saw angelica - the street girl with the face of an angel. we talked with her a bit, we always do. then we took her home to allow her to dwell on her innocence and helplessness for 1 day - to live it like she should, to forget her hunger and just enjoy the ride, even for just one day. she ate chicken joy that night. i saw what a fast reader she was. :) a smart kid. she slumped at the carpet like the carpet potatoes that her "temporary moms" were, watching the movie "toys." she was comfortable, and occasionally, she stuck out her hand into my fries to get one. i let her. i prepared her room and thought it would be nice for her to enjoy my colorful, cheerfully printed bedsheets. i wanted her to get the good night's sleep she so deserves to have every night. i tucked her into bed and my best friend and i retired into our own rooms.

i woke up 5:30 am this morning with a bad stomach. i took some medicine. i was a mother this morning and i though a bad stomach shouldn't get in the way with what i had to do. i peeped into angelica's "room" (we have an extra room in the house), and she looked so peaceful. she looked like an angel. :) i cleaned up the apartment - my room, the sala, the kitchen. i cooked a good breakfast, got a natural high smelling the crisp smell of fried eggs, and went back to my room. before my best friend left, i woke up angelica. she was so surprised that time flew so fast while she was sleeping. i just laughed. later she watched "barbie" (good thing i have that on dvd). she wanted to live with us, permanently. i told her we couldn't do that. i wanted to keep her, but i can't because she isn't a doll. i reminded myself that.

i went to my meeting at the up law, and she tugged along, occasionally holding my hand, occasionally wrapping her arms around my waist.:) people gave me strange looks but i ignored them. some people actually asked, sometimes i answered she's my friend, sometimes i answered she's my elf. :)

i jogged again today. i told angelica to just stay put for a while, and then i started to jog. i was thinking about running to the tune of "be quiet and drive" but it was so slow. i would if i could, float in the air, that is, but i couldn't. it was about to rain, so today i ran. i ran, jog, panted, brisk walked. i didn't walk. angelica was waiting for me, i didn't want the rain to pour, she'd be very worried about me getting wet in the rain. when i was done, i saw her waving her hands excitedly at me from afar, cheering on me. she wanted to run to me, she was so happy to see me. i told her to stay put, and i walked to her. she held my hand and i took her home. angelica, my little angel. :)

then i went to the up law library to take a small dose of reality (get my readings). the third floor was full of people - people with their heads buried in books. i entered and their heads turned up and they at looked me like i came from another planet. i just walked by, in my full jogging gear, my rubbershoes squeaking occasionally. i wanted to tell them i'm not a real person, that they're just imagining what they're seeing, and to just keep on doing what they were doing. i knew i was a pain in their eyes.

then i went home, took a nap, and now i wonder. am i back in the real world? i want to dwell a little longer in this fantasy world i weaved for myself - a world where i'm a mother, or i have an elf, or i'm a hallucination, or a man, or an empty face with a poetic license, or a jogger in a trance. :)

and it's not so hard after all. to live in a fantaserye. i felt more alive than ever. i'm actually a real, live human being! my mind, my body, my heart and my soul - they're all actually working.

Labels: fantasizing

Posted by xam :: Tuesday, July 17, 2007 :: 0 Comments:

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