STRIPES & POLKA DOTS







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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

My Matrix

This is more like it. Sitting on the floor in a dark cold room listening to soothing music through a headset, volume to the maximum, with a laptop serving its real purpose – to be on a lap while the user taps away…

In this state, I think like I am thinking right now, I feel like I am feeling right now and I exist like I am existing right now. I become almost real in the dark.

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The bright world outside isn’t real. It’s only a movie I’m watching, where I’m an audience in a theatre filled with people who are so involved in lives not even their own. What’s real is only this, the me inside this body. This body isn’t real either. I can’t feel it unless I’m uncomfortable with it or something in it hurts.

It is only me and my thoughts and my feelings and my dreams. I know when I sleep I truly exist. When I dream I live my real life, the life I am in control of. In my dreams I defy the laws of physics and the laws of man in the world outside, and I live in the boundless world created solely by myself.

I know in my dreams, it is only I that is real, and everyone and everything else aren’t. And I know that is when all my inhibitions are stripped off to the core that is me, and I am able to live out all my longings and fears. I experience my self for what I really am, what I’m made of and what I’m capable of.

Perhaps dreaming is the closest thing there is to the hereafter. When I have nightmares, I know I’m given a dose of hell. And when I dream sweet dreams, I know I taste a bit of heaven. For what is sleeping but dying for a short while? And what is the hereafter but a life where only we are real and everything else is created by our mind? They say the hereafter is all that truly matters, maybe then I should just keep on dreaming.

In the dark where I see nothing, I stare into black space and then I start to live my life. In the dark where I see nothing but this dark screen and the keys on my laptop, I think like I am thinking right now, I feel like I am feeling right now and I exist like I am existing right now. I become almost real in the dark. When I sleep, I get even closer. And when I die, I know, I will become real.

But for now, it’s good night. Wish me sweet dreams as I wish you that too.

Post Notes:
(1) I realize now if, and that is a big IF, I commit suicide, my suicide note would probably be something like this.
(2) Maybe the world outside is real, in that it’s God’s dream. And when we dream, the people in it are just like us in this life, feeling so real but really just characters in someone else’s dream.

Posted by xam :: Tuesday, January 24, 2006 :: 0 Comments:

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