Shapes and colors make me happy.
I like abstract paintings. I like Picasso. I like solid colors - blue, red, yellow, green and orange. Sometimes I like neon. I like geometric lines and shapes. I'm particularly fascinated with squares. Not so much with waves and unclosed curves. I don't like Baroque-inspired designs. I don't like paintings of the Madonna and Child, farmers in the field, flowers in vases, and fruits in baskets. They hurt my eyes.
I.AM.SAM
Name::xam From::Metro Manila, Philippines
i'm a pirate at heart. i'm smart, ruthless and greedy. yesterday i navigated the seas and my comrades died in battle. today i am trapped in davy jones' locker. but tomorrow i will find gold, i will be free and i will roam the seas again. Learn more about Sam
"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts -
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death."
~Robert Fulghum, It Was On Fire When I Laid Down On It
****
You Belong to Me
See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me
See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me
And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me
Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me
****
What's Up
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
Mayabang ako dahil ipagsisigawan ko sa mundo na kaya kong gawin ang isang bagay at sasabihin ko pang hindi ko ito sasabihin kung hindi ako siguradong kaya ko, kahit sa totoo ay di naman talaga ako sigurado.
Mayabang ako dahil hindi ako mag-aatubiling sabihin na sampung beses akong mas maganda sa girl friend mo kahit sa totoo lang ay lamang lang ako ng isang paligo. Kahit pa nga ang girlfriend mo ay may kilay at ako ay wala. Mayabang ako dahil tingin ko ang linyang "dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" (Dontcha by Pussycat Dolls) at "you're way too beautiful girl, that's why it'll never work, you'll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's over" (Beautiful Girl by Sean Kingston) ay tungkol at para sa akin.
Mayabang ako dahil hindi ako nagpapatalo sa debate. Kahit debateng pambarbero, hindi ako basta-basta nagpapatalo. Kapag gumawa ako ng argumento, akala mo ay napakalalim at napatagal ko nang pinaniniwalaan, pero sa totoo lang ay iniimbento ko lang ang mga sinasabi ko, at sa susunod ay taliwas na ang sasabihin ko. At kapag nabara mo ako, utang na loob mo pa sa akin na natalo mo ako at kailangang bumawi ka sa susunod. Kung hindi ay asar-talo ako at hindi kita titigilan hanggang sa yurak na ang pagkatao mo.
Mayabang ako dahil kapag nagbitaw ako ng salita, kahit ikamamatay ko ay paninindigan ko kapag pride ko na ang nakataya. Kapag sinabi kong tumigil ka sa pagmamaneho at kung hindi ay tatalon ako sa sasakyang umaandar ng mabliis, putang ina, tatalon talaga ako. At ginawa ko na yan. Kumain na rin ako ng posporo para lang panindigan ang sinasabi ko. Baka sa susunod ay apoy na ang kakainin ko. (Ops, hindi ako naghahamon, wag mo akong hahamuning kumain ng apoy!)
Mayabang ako dahil ayaw ko sa jologs, ayaw ko din naman sa konyo. Pinangangalandakan ko ang pera ko at ang kakayahan kong mag-Ingles kapag ang kaharap ko ay jologs. Pero kapag konyo na ang kaharap ko, kunwari ay pa-humble na mayaman lang ako. Sa kaibuturan ng kaluluwa ko ay gusto kong maging konyo, in and out. Hindi nga lang konyo eh, gusto ko sobrang yaman ko, at ang itatawag ko sa lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ay “masa” at kapag sinubukan mong awayin ako o saktan ako ng pisikal, ay sisigaw ako ng “masang nag-aalsa !“ o kaya ay “ethnic cleansing!”
Mayabang ako dahil nayayabangan ako sa mga taga-UP kapag mas matalino sa akin, at nayayabangan ako sa mga atenista kapag mas matalino kaysa sa akin, e mas mayaman na nga kaysa sa akin. Mayabang ako dahil nayayabangan ako sa mga lasalista na mas mayaman sa akin, at iniisip kong walang lasalistang mas matalino sa akin. Mayabang ako dahil sa proud na proud ako kunwarii na taga-UP ako, pero tuwang-tuwa naman ako pag napagkakamalan akong atenista. Mayabang ako dahil naininiwala ako at pinagsasabi ko sa mga tao na kaya kong mag-summa cum laude sa UP at mag-top sa BAR kung gugustuhin ko, ang kaso lang ay wala akong disiplina. Kaya madalas ay nagpapanggap akong walang disiplina, pero sa totoo lang ay nag-aaral ako ng mabuti kapag walang taong nakakakita.
Mayabang ako dahil gusto ko nirerespeto ang mga paniniwala ko, pero bastos ako sa paniniwala ng ibang tao. Mayabang ako dahil nanlalait ako ng ibang tao sa mga bagay na ginagawa ko din naman, at nagtatago ako sa likod ng mga katagang: "hindi naman sa pagmamayabang" o kaya ay "hindi naman sa pagmamalinis." Sa totoo lang ay nagyayabang talaga ako. Mayabang ako dahil papahiyain kita para lang makapagpatawa ako ng mga tao at sikat ako. Mayabang ako dahil wala akong pakialam kung malungkot ka habang buhay, kung yun ba ang kinakailangan para maging masaya ako ng isang saglit. Mayabang ako dahil sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko, yan ang pangunahin kong konsiderasyon sa lahat ng bagay.
Mayabang ako dahil ayaw na ayaw ko na masaya ang ibang tao at ako ay hindi. At kapag ako ang masaya at ang iba ay hindi, lalo pa akong sasaya dahil nga sa ako ang masaya at ang iba ay hindi. Mayabang ako dahil naniniwala ako na ako lang ang may karapatan maging masaya palagi, hinding-hindi ko ku-kuwestiyunin yon. Pero kapag ako ang nalungkot, hindi ko yun tinatanggap. Kelangan lahat ng tao ako, ako, ako, at ang problema ko lang ang pag-uusapan. Kung hindi ay dadamdamin ko yon.
Ngunit, hindi ako mayabang pagdating sa pag-ibig. Sa pag-ibig ay pantay-pantay tayo at walang madaya. Walang pride pride. Ang manalo ay masaya, ang matalo ay dapat magdusa sa isang tabi. Kahit ako pa ang magdurusa.
Sa totoo lang ay hindi ako mayabang. Baka ikaw pa nga ang mayabang. Mayabang ka kapag habang binabasa mo ito ay iniisip mong mayabang nga talaga ako at ni hindi ka man lamang tinamaan ng kahit konti. Kapag hindi mo man lamang naisip na ginagawa mo din minsan ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko. Na baka may kakaibang yabang ka din. Ang mabuti pa ay umamin ka na lang kagaya ko. Para hindi ka mayabang.
Sa lahat ng nayayabangan sa akin, alabchu! Kasi malay mo, insecure lang ako kaya ako mayabang. Pwede naman. O baka naman ikaw ang insecure sa akin dahil ako ay maganda, matalino, mayaman, at higit sa lahat ay humble.
more suprises. i've become so strong or hardened, i really can't tell which. i've changed. radically. overnight. i'm not even the wargoddess i thought i was. i have lost the energy to fight. i have lost the will to confront. or reconcile. i'm just plain tired. or is it the other way around? conversely: i have gained the patience to count from 1 to 10 before striking. i have learned to think before i act. i'm have mastered the art of sportsmanship.
debbie said i deserve some sportsmanship award.
i wonder how this happened.
have i lost it? have i become so bitter i'm willing to settle for less than what i deserve? have i lost my sense of self-worth? or have i instead become wiser, losing the urge to be ruthless.
this is a totally new me, and it's so god damned scary!!!
Being a law student at the UP College of Law is the only thing that feels like I could sustain doing for over a year since 2002, aside from being Ibn’s girl friend, that is. It seems like I could sustain it, and I cross my fingers I could, because since I graduated last 2002, everything else in my life has been changing in less than a year’s time. And I just want to stay put for a while and smell the roses.
Bldg. 7 at the UP Bliss (June 2002 – October 2002) Our house in Paranaque (November 2002 – May 2005) Pearlmont Inn in Cagayan De Oro (May 2005 – July 2005) Hatrima Apartment in Cagayan De Oro (July 2005 – October 2005) Fabe’s Apartment in Cagayan de Oro (November 2005 – February 2006) An apartment at Novaliches (March 2006 – August 2006) Bldg. 5 at the UP Bliss (August 2006 – October 2006) Bldg. 23 at the UP Bliss (November 2006 – present)
God I wish I’d stay for the next 4 years here in our apartment in UP Bliss, but I’m starting to itch.
I’ve taken the following courses:
Bachelor of Fine Arts at the University of the Philippines College of Fine Arts (June 2002 – October 2002) Certificate of Web Technologies at the NIIT in Makati (October 2003 – July 2004) Bachelor of Laws at the University of the Philippines College of Law (June 2006 – present)
God I wish I’d stay for the next 4 years at the UP College of Law. I wish I don’t quit on it. I wish I don’t get kicked out.
I’ve had the following jobs / rackets:
Promo Dimensions, Inc. (March 2003 – July 2003) Filia Foods, Inc. / Go Nuts Donuts (October 2003 – January 2004) NHIS Project (January 2004 – March 2004) Universal Robina Corporation (April 2004 – April 2005) Colgate-Palmolive Philippines, Inc. (May 2005 – February 2006) Splash Corporation (February 2006 – June 2006)
God I wish I’d find a job in the near future where I’ll stay for MORE than a year. That’s why I’ve been afraid to find a job.
I now have fine lines. God I'm aging. I have fine lines around my eyes. I do think my face has sagged a bit. I'm sure my body's sagged too. And I haven't even married yet.
I’m curly now, and my hair’s quite long. I used to have short, straightened hair. I want to keep my hair now.
I gained almost 20kg in the past 5 years from my benchmark – graduation of 2002. I’m down to 6kg above benchmark. I’m doing pretty good here.
Things that haven’t changed in the past 5 years:
Ibn remains to be my boy friend. Going stronger? I wish so… :) Enuh remains to be my best friend. :) Best na nga, pero even better. I still go to the arcade. Life still isn’t complete without having at least an hour of tambay at the arcade.
I’m really tired. Of all the changes in my life. I don't understand why I still itch for changes. I don't understand why I still can't stay put. Why I still keep on searching. Why I doubt the things that show some semblance of stability. Why I have to create my own problems. Why I have become an escapist.
I want to stay put. I want to stay here at the UP Bliss. I want to finish law school. I want to follow through with my commitments, such as with Portia. I love Portia. I want to keep Enuh as my best friend. I want to keep Ibn as my boyfriend. I want to marry him, for God's sake.
Though I still itch, I’m trying. I’m trying to get the hang of stability. There’s been too many changes in my life. I’m in my late twenties, soon. Before I know it, I’m thirty. I NEED to have some stense of stability. I NEED to stay put for a while. I NEED to follow through. I NEED to grow up.
We regret something we've done in the past, say, a major decision or turning point in our lives, so we flush out all the events resulting from these out of our memories and then try to find something else better to plug in. We imagine alternative scenarios to those painful memories. What other options were available at the time? And of course there are options. There are always options!
So now we backtrack and then start romanticizing options not taken. We play around with our memories, redefining it -- omitting parts we have conveniently forgotten, replaying parts we conveniently want to remember, maybe even adding a few parts as we deem convenient. We do this, repetitively, until we have formed in our minds a picture that never really existed in the past. What we don't realize is that sometimes, the option not taken could have been worse, that we might have known it to a certain extent back then, or maybe not, but it still could have been worse. So we fail to give ourselves credit for making the decision we made, thinking we might have been just younger, more naive, or more vulnerable, to make mistakes.
The fact remains that we made decisions at that time in the past given the circumstances and knowing the alternative courses of action. We couldn't have known that the decision we were making was wrong. And we would also never really know that the decision not made would have been right.
That's the problem with regret. We fall into a whirlwind of memories and end up worse off. What's funny is that the more things have gone wrong, the more prominent your mistakes are, the more they haunt you to the present day, the more we fall prey to regret and to restructing our memories. The key is not to regret. We did what we had to do, and didn't do what we felt we didn't have to do. Sometimes I even tell myself, whatever happens is for the best, otherwise it could have caused my death. I am, therefore, in a constant state of being lucky to be alive.
"How do these things just spew out of your head like this? Couldn't you at least use your brain as a filter? That remark would hurt if I had feelings." - Richard Fish in Ally Mc Beal
once in a while, i need a swat in the head.
i grew up with a lot of that much-needed swatting. much-needed, because absent it, i would have forgotten as early as age 8 that i walked on ground.
"Nelle, remember how you hate people talking about you behind your back?" "Yes." "I can't do that when you are in the room." - Richard Fish & Nelle Porter in Ally McBeal
to create the positive effect though, the swat must come from the right person - someone with no hidden agenda but only to swat me in the head, someone i'd never doubt or else i'd only take the comment as an effort to make me feel bad. the words must be crafted in a way that, at the least, seems to tell the truth - one that is undeniably true but unrecognized (or denied) by me. no labels, no loaded words, no singular adjectives that could potentially traumatize me. just a few phrases, expounding what it is that needs to be said.
"You've got to remember John. You're not who you are, you're only what other people think of you. Fishism." - Richard Fish in Ally McBeal
i hold those who can swat me in high esteem. for being able to yank me (a person who's always been known to be of the strong kind) off the cloud i'm walking on and make me see things straight. for being confident enough in our relationship, for knowing with certainty that swatting me won't be a reason for our fall-out. or for caring enough about me so that a potential momentary spite or even a permanent absence will be graciously taken.
"Why am I telling you this?" "Because you can. Remember, when you are with me it’s the one time you aren't the strangest person in the room." - John Cage & Ally McBeal in Ally McBeal
well, i just had an effective little swat. not so hard, but enough to keep me off-balance. it was a line that had been used on me before, re-used in a way that wasn't even intended to swat me, but only to remind me that i was swatted with it many years ago, and even to apologize for it. i actually have no recollection of that particular instance in the past, but i do remember how it felt. so i am convinced, that yes, it was said to me before.
"The world will go on even without you."
and the effect produced is still the same. it's almost like stumbling on a stone, and falling flat on my face. my instinctive reaction would almost always be to scowl at the stone, pick it up, and throw it out to the mud. but i know i can't blame the stone. after all, i sometimes i get busy enjoying the scenery, i fail to look where i'm going. so instead, i'll just pick it up, brush away the dirt, and place it in my pocket. i'll keep the stone and decide it's a lucky charm. sometimes i keep stones inside my pencilcase or my drawer. once I even kept one in my shoe, and it hurt walking around with it, but it was a pleasant reminder for all those times I forget.
"By not going down the road, it remains the road ahead which excites me. It even brings me joy." - John Cage in Ally McBeal
it is like that then, and it is like that now. and like before, i hold my swatter in high esteem.
"Bygones." - Richard Fish in Ally McBeal
(i remember the ally mcbeal episode 23 in season 1, titled "these were the days" wherein john cage's cousin, a harmless but eccentric man with a "cupid complex" was brought up on assault charges for swatting couples in the head with a paddle to goose them into realizing they're in love. hahahaha... i wonder.)
