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Friday, August 10, 2007

surprise

i continue to surprise myself. i always said i could never tell right from wrong, and i can rationalize anything and convince myself. that's how my mind works. at the end of the day, i almost always follow my heart. so it would seem i'm ruthless or reckless sometimes, but it's only because either way i can say i did the right thing.

but this realization about myself scares me to the core. i wallow in guilt because i know the way i make decisions and act on them hurts people sometimes, people that could be very dear to me. and i don't know if it's because i'm selfish, or because i value my happiness so much, but that i think and act like this and hurt people without knowing for sure if i did the right thing? well, that's really scary. i could never tell until so much time has passed, until damage has become irreparable, then i couldn't do anything about it. that is, again, why i wallow in guilt, in fear, and why i regret so many things in life.

my only prayer now, is that i not only followed my heart, but that i did think about it, that i did not hurt someone without good reason, that it was the right thing to do, and if not, that i realize it and do something about it to rectify things before it's too late. i cannot bear the idea later on, that i lost my only rock in this life, shattered it to tiny bits of pieces, and for what, dirt? god bless this rock, never mind me.

Posted by xam :: Friday, August 10, 2007 :: 0 Comments:

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