Sunday, February 24, 2008

Excerpts from "Betrayal In Its Maximum" by Pau Duman

When I read this post, I couldn't help but have a bad nosebleed

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There is nothing worse than the feeling of being betrayed.

Being betrayed by one person you have trusted with all your soul. A person whom you had faith in when he cannot have faith in himself anymore. When you have always been there for this person when you don't even have enough time even for yourself.

Every name faith has, every little thing love and trust could do, were extended and poured to without apprehensions. No questions, no disbeliefs. Just pure faith.

And it hits you hard, and painfully so, that all of those things were just make-believe. All of the words are empty, all of the gestures are mimes, everything is just a show, a comical one. Only the joke is on me. And the laughters roll on in your head.

This is when forgiving oneself is the hardest. Because my soul has been shattered into a million little pieces and more and there was nothing I could have done. Or maybe there was. There was one chance where I could have saved myself, but I chose to stick through and through. Because that is how I am. I cannot give without giving everything. For me, giving is only giving when oneself is given. Nothing less. And now I'm paying the faith I invested and lost, probably negligently.

Negligence has been defined in law as the omission to do something which a reasonable man, guided by those considerations which ordinarily regulate the conduct of human affairs would do, or the doing of something which a prudent and reasonable man would not do (PNR vs. Brunty). The test purported in such case was: Did you use reasonable care which an ordinary prudent person would have used? I say I threw my care to the wind and lost all prudence to be exercised because faith for me is like that. Should the Supreme Court decide my case, I shall be found of contributory negligence and the damages that I could be entitled to would be greatly mitigated. However, the Court could also hold that I had the LAST CLEAR CHANCE of avoiding the mishap (of the heart) but didn't exercise doing so. Thus, I shall be fully liable and no damages would be awarded to me.

And that is the price of loving. I cannot find any cause of action. Not even the provisions in Human Relations. Article 20 states every person who, contrary to law, willfully or negligently causes damage to another, shall indemnify the latter for the same. But again this cannot apply to me since the Court would decide that I was guilty of contributory negligence, thus, Article 2179 would apply. Or the Court could choose to apply, to my great disadvantage and loss, the LAST CLEAR CHANCE doctrine and I shall be held solely liable.

I could use probably Article 24 which states that in all contractual, property or other relations, when one of the parties is at a disadvantage on account of his moral dependence, ignorance, indigence, mental weakness, tender age or other handicap, the courts must be vigilant for his protection. Under this article, I could claim that we had a contract, an oral one. A contract wherein BOTH principally obligate themselves that one would always be there for the other. And that is called a contract of love. This contract is not against the law, public morals and public policy. I say it is a valid contract. I could claim mental weakness because when one is in the state of love, all his logical and rational faculties are greatly disturbed. I could provide the Court with brain maps where a great upsurge of oxytoxin, seratonin and vassopressin cause the brain not to think. I could use what I know in Biopsychology to defend my case. But my being a law student would negate squarely my defenses. Mental weakness cannot be attributed to persons who study law. The court has always pointed out in a lot of cases, especially in our Legal Profession subject, that by being a lawyer or a law student, one is expected to have that superior mental faculty.

I want to shout that there is fraud! There is fraud and bad faith and everything that he has done for me for the sake of the so-called bullshit love is malicious! I should be entitled to damages under the Civil Code, Article 2201 second paragraph!!! He should be made responsible for all damages which may be reasonably attributed to the non-performance of his obligation! Please don't hold the case against me. Everything that I have done, I have done in utmost good faith!

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But the hurt doesn't go away. The pain is still lingering. It is true that the most painful wounds were not the holes bored on Christ's body, but those which were burrowed straight to his heart.

I have loved and I am suffering and I don't understand. I have to find my faith back and place it where it will never be misplaced, where it will be taken care of, where it will be valued.

To the Superior Judge of the Universe Court, I am giving you that faith. Faith in that justice will be served. That kind of justice which is seasoned with mercy. Be merciful.

But please be just.

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And here are my thoughts on the matter:

Sometimes people don't even know they have betrayed. Or maybe sometimes we feel that hurting other people who trust us is justified. I think about all those times I was betrayed, and how all I could ask myself is why, why did this person betray me? And I wonder if people who at one point trusted me have asked the very same question about me. I told my bestfriend one time, when she was complaining about how the one time she needed someone, everyone in her phonebook was not there for her (including me, sad to say :( ), when each time she was needed, she was there for everyone else. It hurt to hear that. And the only thing I could come up with to explain why I wasn't there for her was lame. All I could say was that we are in other people's phonebooks too, that we don't really know sometimes when we're disappointing someone else. In short, that's life. We get hurt, and maybe, we hurt other people too. I'm not saying there's karma (I don't believe in karma). Baka lang bilog ang mundo. Baka masama tayo lahat. O baka mabait talaga tayo lahat. Hehehe ang gulo ko noh? We can choose to forgive or to not forgive, in the same way that other people chose also to forgive us or to not forgive us. Either way, life goes on, and we can do nothing else but move on. At the end of the day, while we love fiercely and are loved fiercely, let's all admit it, we love our own selves the most, and that's why get hurt or hurt other people.

Posted by xam :: Sunday, February 24, 2008 :: 0 Comments:

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